Be Okay
by skygirl55
Summary: Kate Beckett had almost given up hope on seeing her fiance again-almost. But now he was back, and that was wonderful, but things were also complicated for them and for their family. Caskett S7 AU
1. Chapter 1

**Be Okay**

 **Kate Beckett had almost given up hope on seeing her fiance again-almost. But now he was back, and that was wonderful, but things were also complicated for them and for their family. Caskett S7 AU**

* * *

 **A/N: There are 10 parts**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Kate Beckett paced the sterile halls of the Yale-New Haven Medical Center in a manner reminiscent of a tiger pacing in its cage just before feeding time. Her heart pounded beneath her ribs, her palms were clammy with sweat, and every few minutes she would take in a deep, shuddering breath while trying to calm the emotions roiling in her gut.

 _Castle was alive_.

For fifteen agonizing months, ever since the day they were meant to be married, she had wondered when—or if—she would ever see her fiancé again. Then, on an ordinary Monday morning, she'd been sitting at her desk when she received a call from the New Haven PD. They informed her that a John Doe had been found adrift in a dingy and picked up by the Coast Guard just offshore. The man was unconscious without identification, but when they ran his fingerprints, the database identified him as the missing writer Richard Castle.

Kate had dropped the phone's handset into her lap and remained frozen for several seconds before regaining her composure enough to pick up the phone and begin firing questions at the NHPD's captain. Unfortunately, the man could provide her only with the information that he'd been taken to the Yale-New Haven Medical Center and would be waiting for her there. Without second thought, Kate grabbed her purse, called out for Ryan and Espo to track down the rest of his family, and hit the road at break-neck speed.

Unfortunately for her anxiety, Kate was not permitted to see her fiancé immediately upon arriving at the hospital because he was being seen by doctors. Thus, she was left pacing—pacing and wondering.

A dingy? How in the hell had he ended up in a dingy? Disappearing from the northern side of Long Island and crossing the water to end up in New Haven was not that outrageous of an idea to process, but after over a year's worth of time? Where had he been since May of the prior year? And why had he turned up now? Of course the fiancée part of her wanted to ignore that final question, but the investigator part of her demanded the answer.

"Ms. Beckett?"

Kate jumped when she heard her name and spun around on the spot, searching for the source of the sound. When she saw a gentleman wearing blue scrubs with a white coat over top, she rushed towards him trying not to sound as frantic as she felt inside. "Doctor—how is he? Is he injured? Is he conscious?"

The doctor offered a smile. "Very much so—and asking for you, I might add."

Kate felt her heart do a summersault in her chest. He was awake and wanted to see her. It took all of her self-control to sniff back to tears threatening to fall to her cheeks and simply nod graciously to the physician before her.

"As for his health I would say he's in fair condition. He's dehydrated and suffering from exposure, but nothing he won't recover from in a few days. At this point, my main concern is that he seems to be confused. He isn't sure of the date, but we're not sure if that is a symptom of his dehydration and exposure, or something greater. We'll be taking him for a CT scan shortly."

"May I see him?" Kate requested, barely taking note of his comments; she just wanted to see him and asses him for herself.

The doctor nodded and swept his arm towards the room he had just exited. "Of course."

Kate nodded a thank you to the doctor and then approached the hospital room swiftly. She paused in the doorway, gripping the frame and taking a long deep breath before pushing herself forward so that could see for the first time the man she loved. He was lying in a reclined bed wearing a hospital gown and his eyes were closed. She could see evidence of sunburn on his forehead and cheeks and his eyes looked a bit sunken—from the dehydration, she assumed. Upon further examination she realized it was more than that. His cheeks were thinner, his jaw more prominent. He'd lost weight—a significant amount of weight, she imagined. That knowledge simply added more questions to her list, which was already well into the triple digits, but for the moment she pushed those to the back of her mind, and stepped forward in the room.

Presumably at the sound of her shoe against the tile floor, Castle's eyes popped open and the moment his eyes landed on her face, his brow visibly relaxed. "Hey." He sighed out, just as casually as ever.

Her stomach flipped and she felt a few tears slip out without permission. God, his voice. She never realized how uncertain she'd been about ever hearing his voice in person again until that moment. "H-hey Castle," she returned, a bit unsteady. He lifted his left hand a few inches off the bed and held it out towards her. She slipped her left hand in his and squeezed tight, a few more tears falling at the feeling of his warm skin against hers. "H-how are you feeling?"

"Ah, a bit like hell, actually, but better now that you're here." He smiled briefly, but then his brow wrinkled and he said, "I'm so sorry Kate. The wedding—it's my fault."

She shook her head. "No, don't worry about that now." She'd never cared about the wasted flowers and food or the irritated guests; her only concern had been him and his well-being. She just wanted her partner back.

"You must have been so upset."

Upset? Yes, gazing down at his car, flipped over in a ditch and burning had been upsetting. Shockingly, not as upsetting after hitting dead end after dead end on her search for him, but he was there now, and that was most important. Still, the investigator in her had to ask. "Do you remember what happened that day?"

He shut his eyes and tilted his head to the side as he thought. "I…I called you, right? As I was driving—I remember that. But then…something in my rear view…a car? Oh!" His eyes popped open and he gazed at her. "An accident—did I have an accident?"

"Yes."

"Shit and I hit my head, didn't I? How long have I been out?"

"Awhile, Castle," she said not wanting to shock him with the exact amount of time while his memory was so fragile. "Listen, I don't want to push you too much but...do you remember anything else? Anything after the crash?"

Deep creases appeared in his brow for almost a full minute, but then he shook his head. "Ah, no. Sorry, Kate—everything feels really fuzzy and I'm…I'm really tired. I'm sorry." His final words seemed almost slurred and she took note of how heavy his eyelids were becoming.

"It's okay," she assured him. "Just rest—we'll talk later, okay?"

"Mm." He grunted and his grip on her hand relaxed, but then suddenly he squeezed her hand tighter and asked, "You leavin'?"

"No way, Castle; I'm not going anywhere." She promised. He grunted again and then shut his eyes. Though his hand fell limp again, Kate did not let go. She wanted to make sure he knew she was there and that she wasn't going to let him out of her sight—at least not for the foreseeable future. Where he'd gone to, she didn't know, but she was certain he wasn't going back. He was staying that time—for good.

* * *

"I'm not going to lie to you, Ms. Beckett, at this point we aren't sure why Mr. Castle's memory seems to have significant gaps. Physically, there's nothing wrong, but brain injuries can be tricky things."

Kate felt her chest tighten at this news while sitting in Dr. Graham's office. She wasn't sure what part of her was more frustrated: the concerned and worried fiancé or the dedicated investigator. From what the doctor had best determined, Castle believed only a few days had passed since the time they were last together, not nearly four hundred and fifty of them.

"Could his car accident have caused this?"

The doctor twisted his lips to the side. "I'm not familiar with his accident, but since it was fifteen months ago I would doubt it. If it was a trauma, which I'm not ruling out, it would have probably been more recent."

"So how do we move forward?"

"Well, depending on how he progresses he could go home as early as tomorrow, perhaps the day after. I can recommend some specialists back in Manhattan for him to see, but honestly the best thing for him is to get back to his daily routine—or whatever routine he had before he disappeared."

A sad smile crossed Kate's face. "As you can imagine, Doctor, some things have changed in that time."

He nodded. "Of course they had and it's very important that you do not lie to Mr. Castle. Be honest with him—delicate, but honest. At this point, we do not know what could or might trigger his memories so getting back to a life as close as normal as he can have is for the best."

Kate nodded and paused for a moment before posing her next question. "Is...is there a possibly that this is permanent? That his memories will not return?"

"Let's not worry too much about that right now. Let's focus on getting him physically well again, and then we'll talk about everything inside his head."

Kate bobbed her head, thanked the doctor, and then walked out of his office carding her purse close to her chest. As much as she wanted Castle to return carrying a journal that detailed his every move for the prior fifteen months, she understood that to be unrealistic. He was back—and that was the most important thing. She needed to heed the doctor's advice: take Castle home, find his routine again, and then worry about his memories.

As she rounded the corner of the hall leading towards Castle's room, Kate was so distracted with her thoughts that she nearly ran into the quartet in the hall by the elevators: Detective Ryan and the trio of Castle women. "Oh—hi—you made it!"

"Oh Darling of course." Martha pulled her into an immediate hug which she gratefully reciprocated. "How is he? How is my son?"

Kate said nothing, but walked over to Alexis and plucked the babbling baby from her arms. Kate pressed her lips to the child's head and breathed in the perfect smell of her hair to calm her nerves. God, she really had needed that snuggle. Moving the baby to her hip she said, "He doesn't remember…he thinks it's just a day or so after the wedding. He has no idea how long he's been gone."

"Jesus." Ryan breathed while the women gasped.

"But is he okay?" Alexis asked.

Kate gave a little shrug and then nodded. "Dehydrated, a little sunburnt, but yeah—he's okay."

"So we can see him?"

Kate gave the child another squeeze before passing her back to Alexis. "I'd better speak with him alone a moment first. I think…I think he should hear it from me—what day it really is."

Martha nodded. "Okay, we'll wait here—but make haste, darling; we're at the edge of our seats."

Kate gave her a half-smile before walking back to Castle's room, where she found him fiddling with the controls on his hospital bed. Just as he raised the head of the bed into an almost perpendicular position to the bottom half, she said, "Hi," and startled him to the point where he dropped the controller.

"Oh—Kate. There you are. I thought you left."

She shook her head. "No I was just speaking with your doctor."

"Am I gonna make it? You can tell me honestly."

Keeping with his teasing tone, she scrunched her nose and shrugged. "It's still touch and go."

He smiled, but only for the briefest moment. "They scanned my brain. Is something wrong with me?"

She stepped up closer to him as her stomach rolled. God, how was she going to tell him? Standing just beside his right side she said, "The thing is, Rick: after your accident you disappeared."

"Disappeared," he echoed a bit dumbly.

"Yes. Someone kidnapped you or—well, we're not really sure what happened, but you've been missing."

"Missing? Not just a few days?" he asked. She shook her head. "How long?"

"A while, Rick, and the thing is—things have happened. We've…I mean time doesn't stop, not even if you want it to and I-"

"Kate." He cut her off, his voice sounding pained. "How long? How long have I—wait." He cut off his speech and craned his neck to the side as he gazed towards the door of his room. "Is that Alexis? I see red hair. Are they here? Alexis!"

"Yes, they're here but-" Before Kate could say another word, Martha barreled through the door, her arms outstretched for her son as she sighed out, "Oh, Richard!"

Kate rocked back on her heels as Martha crushed her son with a hug. Though she was annoyed she was not able to break the news she understood the elder woman's desire to see her only child as soon as possible. Had she been in that situation….well, she understood and really it had been her fault for not ripping the bandage off and telling Castle straight out. She was simply afraid to see the pain of his reaction.

"I'm glad to see you, too, Mother. Is Al—Alexis!"

At the sound of Castle's yelp, Kate fought a wince. She turned her head to see the red-head, who was no longer a little girl, entering the room with the ever-adorable dark haired child balanced on her hip. "Hi Dad," she said gently. With one hand stroking the baby's leg she stepped up right behind her grandmother, just out of reach of her father, but close enough to give him a shocking glimpse into what he'd missed.

"Wha—I—what—god." He stammered out, looking at each of the three adults in turn, his eyes returning to the face of the baby in between each. Finally, he turned his gaze back to Kate and demanded, "How long?"

"Fifteen months."

"Jesus." He sighed out and rolled his head back against the mattress. Martha reached out and squeezed his shoulder as he stared up at the ceiling. "Over a year and you—oh god did you all think I was…"

"We're just glad you're here now." Martha assured him.

"Yes." Alexis chimed in. "We're so glad to have you back, Dad."

"I…oh." He sighed out as the baby made a gurgling noise. He reached out his left hand and Alexis swapped positions with her grandmother so Castle could hook his index finger into the pudgy fist of the cooing girl. "What's her name?"

"Lily."

"Lily." He echoed. "She's beautiful." He stared at the baby for another moment before releasing her fist and raking his hands back through his hair. "God, fifteen months and I come back a grandfather! What else have I missed?"

Though he directed his question to Kate, Alexis jumped in before she could even open her lips. "No, Dad; she's yours," she said with a half laugh.

Castle did a double take back towards Alexis. "M-mine?! Wha…I…"

Clearing her throat to draw his attention Kate confessed, "I was going to surprise you on the honeymoon."

"Oh—god. Oh my god." Castle stammered out before tears began to fall down his cheeks.

"Perhaps we should give them a minute," Martha said wisely, curling her hand around her granddaughter's shoulders. When Alexis took a step back, Castle shot his arm out, desperately trying to reach for them.

"No don't please—please I want to see her!"

At the loud, unfamiliar voice, Lily began to cry and Kate rushed around to the other side of Castle's bed saying, "It's okay; I'll take her." She dropped her purse to the floor and reached out for her daughter, cradling her close and kissing her head. "It's okay baby girl." Kate hushed her, gently rocking her hips back and forth, though Lily had quieted almost immediately in her mother's arms. "I just want you to meet Daddy. Remember how I told you that we'd find him again someday?" Lily forced her head into the crook of Kate's neck and Kate dropped her chin to kiss her shoulder as she swayed back and forth.

With all the madness of the days leading up to her wedding, Kate hadn't realized her cycle was late until the day before the wedding. She'd taken a home pregnancy test, convinced it would be negative, and was positively stunned when it was not. Immediately, her shock morphed into pure joy, as she could not have come up with a better wedding present for her husband. She'd wanted to tell him then and there, but instead decided to wait until they were on the plane traveling to their beautiful island oasis.

Unfortunately, that moment had never come, but Kate's knowledge of the life growing inside her kept her going during those first few horrific days when all she wanted to do was collapse from the sorrow. When after a few weeks all the leads on Castle's disappearance began to grow cold, she'd confessed her maternity status to her father, Martha, and Alexis, and had been reduced to tears from their outpouring of love and support; the three of them along with her two partners had been by her side ever since.

Practically from the moment of her birth Kate had told her daughter about her father and how incredible he was. She played her videos of his interviews so she could hear his voice. The boys even had an NYPD tech make her an audio file with just Castle's voice so she could play it for their daughter. Every day she told Lily how much her father loved her and how one day, if they were very lucky, they would get to see him again.

"C'mon sweetheart, it's okay." Kate coached, turning the girl around so that her back was to Kate's chest. "Daddy wants to say hi to you."

Castle finished mopping his cheeks with a rough, hospital-issue tissue before reaching out and cradling one of Lily's feet with his hands. He gazed at her with pure amazement for a full minute before looking up at Kate. "We have a daughter."

"Yeah," Kate said, sniffing back some tears of her own. "We do."

"She's amazing. Will she come to me?"

"Probably. Just talk to her. She should know your voice—I play her videos."

Castle took the baby as he cooed, "Hi Lily, hi," to her. He scooped her under the armpits and lowered her onto his lap while continuing to speak. Lily whined with uncertainty, looking up to her mother and reaching out a pudgy hand, but Kate soothed her by stroking her hand across her dark hair and saying, "It's okay, Lily; Daddy just wants to see you."

"Yeah, Lily; I'm your Daddy and I love you so much, yes I do. Oh, god, look at you." He brushed one of his thumbs over her pudgy cheek before looking at Kate and asking, "What's she like?"

Kate let out a breathy laugh, not sure how to summarize her daughter in just a few sentences. "She's sweet and cuddly, but getting more adventurous now that she can move around a bit. She's not the best sleeper but I like to think that's because she's just so curious about the world that she doesn't want to sleep. But she loves being read to—she'd listen for hours and hours."

"Well I'll read you all the books you want sweetheart." Castle promised her as he skimmed his hand down her back. Lily appeared to relax more against him and even reached her tiny hand up towards his face. Castle lowered his head and captured two of her pudgy fingers between his lips, pretending to gnaw on them. Lily laughed and flashed him a gummy grin.

"Oh, Kate she's beautiful—and she looks like you."

Kate hummed. "Mmm no. Only across the eyes. She has your smile."

"And she's...five months?"

"No, six. Just a few days ago."

"Six months." He echoed with no small amount of disbelief. He traced his finger across Lily's pudgy knee before rolling his head back against his pillow. God, I missed so much. And you...you!" He shook his head as he gazed over at her. "You're incredible. Look what you did—all by yourself."

"Oh I wasn't by myself." Kate assured him. "I had your mother and Alexis and part of you with me all the time. Hey," she added softly as a tear fell out of his eye. She reached out to brush it away with her thumb. "It's okay; we're all together now."

"But I don't remember and-"

"Don't worry about that now. We'll figure it out, just like we always do. We're going to be okay." She promised, for the first time truly believing it.

He nodded his head and sniffed back some tears. Gazing down at his youngest daughter, Castle echoed, "Yeah; we're going to be okay."

* * *

 **A/N:** Hello! And thanks for reading!

I actually wrote this as a one-shot a year ago with the kind of intent to make it a multi chap, but I never really had the inspiration, until recently when I spent a bunch of time with my friends six month old baby and then this all spilled out. This is actually the hybrid of a new-ish story and one i wrote years ago and abandoned due to a multitude of issues, but no one ever read that other story, so its all good. This is an AU Season 7 as the description indicates - but none of that Locksat BS crap :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"Well don't just stand there, Darling; come inside!"

Kate pressed her lips together as she watched her not-quite-mother-in-law drag her son into the apartment as though he'd been standing in the hall for hours. In reality, it had barely been more than a minute. That just seemed to be the mood Martha Rogers was in today: a hurry. Kate could certainly understand her enthusiasm—she too could not wait for Castle to be back home—but for some reason the elder woman had no patience today and if it had been up to her, they would have sprinted from the hospital and taken a helicopter back to New York.

Since Martha was clearly running the show, Kate had stepped back into the position of mostly quiet observer, studying her fiancé for signs that he was okay—and signs that he wasn't. While he said he wasn't in too much pain, from the sluggishness of his movements and the way his normal confident stride had been reduce to a series of shorter steps, she guessed that he was in more discomfort than he cared to let on. He had a headache, he had confessed that, though said it was mild. The doctors had said due to the dehydration and exposure that was a completely normal symptom for the first few days. He also said his back felt "a little banged up" but she wondered how much he was trying to tone it down so as not to worry them.

"I'm coming, Mother; thank you." Castle brushed a kiss onto her cheek as he walked by. He took two steps into the room, slipped his hands down into the pockets of his brand-new jeans, and observed the space. "Guess, ah, guess too much hasn't changed."

"You mean aside from the extra two-thousand items we have for the baby." Kate quipped. She honestly wasn't sure how much that number was an exaggeration. Most days, it felt like Lily owned more than the rest of them combined.

Castle turned his head towards her and his lips quirked. "For being so small, they have so much, right?"

"Right." She responded with a breathy laugh.

"Well, Darling, what would you like to do first? Take a little tour? We put your office back as you remembered; your computer is all set up and-"

"Where's Lily?" Castle cut her off as he spun around on the spot, presumably trying to find her in the large space.

"Napping." Alexis answered from the stairway. She hurried over to give her father a hug and then turned to Kate. "She's been down about an hour."

"Which means we probably have about an hour or so left… why don't, um, why don't you lay down too?" She suggested, hoping she would not have to remind him that the doctor had recommended getting plenty of rest during his first few days back. Thankfully, it seemed she didn't.

"Yeah I think I will. That drive kind of tried me out. Sorry."

"Never apologize, Darling; we're just so glad to have you hear." Martha hugged him, and then explained that she needed to run out for a costume fitting but would be back for dinner.

After she departed, Kate led the way to the master suite as Castle asked, "Is she in a new play?"

"Yes; she's been in rehearsals for about a month, but don't worry—from what I've heard so far this one seems just as terrible as all the others." She smiled, and he let out a blip of laughter in return. Her heart constricted at the noise, for his laugh was certainly one of the things she never expected to hear again.

Clearing her throat to keep on the task at hand, Kate entered the bedroom and gave him a little guilty shrug. "Sorry it's a bit of a mess in here. I tried to clean up but, well, Lil and I kind of moved in here and took over. I didn't think you'd mind."

"Of course not; never."

"I almost didn't I…" She shook her head a bit reflecting on one of the many tough decisions she had to make as a pregnant single woman. "I was going to go back to my place and tough it out as a single mom, but your mother and Alexis talked me out of it. They convinced me—rightfully so—that being alone with a newborn was not in either of our best interests. They also remind me that this is what you would have wanted."

He nodded with a content expression for a moment, but then his brow wrinkled, and he gazed tentatively back towards the hall. "Does…does mother still live here?"

"Don't sound so afraid."

"No, I-"

"Just teasing." She promised with a smile. "No, she doesn't live here; she has a small place of her own now. She does stay on occasion, if I have an overnight shift or Lily is sick or something. She helps when she can, but obviously she can't do it when she's working. Then my father helps. Or sometimes I take her to Jenny and Kev. It's a team effort," she added with a breathy laugh.

"Of course. I'm glad—I'm glad you weren't alone in this. I…" he turned away from her and wiped his hand over his face. Staggering over to the end of the bed he flopped down on it and sighed out, "God, I've missed so much."

"Ah—on that note." She scurried over to the bedside table where her tablet was waiting for that precise moment. She turned it on and held it out to the writer. "My cloud has every picture of Lily I've ever taken. Thought you might want to scroll through while you rest."

He took the tablet as though she had handed him the world's most precious jewel. "Thank you."

She nodded and patted his shoulder gently. "Take it easy, Rick; just yell if you need anything."

Back out in the main living area, Kate found Alexis at the kitchen sink washing out some of Lily's bottles. She smiled as she approached, as her gratitude towards and appreciation for the young woman had never been higher. Before Castle's disappearance, Kate never though herself to be particularly close to Alexis. They didn't dislike each other by any means, but they had a few rough spots back when she and Castle first became a couple. By the time they reached the wedding, Kate believed they were on good, friendly terms, but then, in an instant everything changed.

Kate imagined they would have been bonded over the disappearance of and subsequent search for Castle no matter the circumstance, but the fact that Kate was carrying Castle's child—Alexis's little sibling—amplified their situation quite dramatically. Kate was actually surprised by the immediate overwhelming kindness and concerned she received from Alexis. Just a few weeks after revealing her pregnancy, during a particularly rough evening after hitting yet another dead end, Alexis came to her and they had a highly emotional heart-to-heart during which Alexis said that she hoped they would find her father—and would help in any way she could to find him—but on the chance they didn't find him, Kate's baby was the last piece of him they had left and that made them all irrevocably family. From that point onward they grew closer, and by the time she went into labor, Kate happily called the younger woman one of her very close friends.

"Thanks for doing that," Kate said of Alexis's washing.

Alexis shook off the gratitude as she always did, for she had never once complained about helping to take care of her younger sister. "Is Dad resting?"

"Looking at pictures of Lily—doubt he'll do much resting."

As she placed the last bottle onto the drying rack, she reached for a towel with which to dry her hands and asked gently, "You know I haven't really had the chance to ask: how are you doing with all this?"

Kate let out a small laugh, as she was not sure that any of the words in the English language could quite classify the amalgamation of emotions brewing inside of her chest. Joy and relief were among them, of course, but they were interlaced with uncertainty, nerves, and maybe even a little bit of fear, for in that moment it seemed Castle's return had brought far more questions than answers.

"Um…I guess I don't even know what to say. He… I mean, obviously this is what we always wanted and dreamed about, but now that he's here it's…well, I guess I'd say it's maybe a little awkward."

She said the words hoping that Alexis would not take offense, but thankfully she seemed to agree. "I know what you mean. Especially with his memory gone."

"I haven't decided yet if it is better or worse that he doesn't know what happened to him, and of course I'm worried about him—that not remembering will stress him out or drive him crazy, but right now I'm the most worried about Lily—I don't want to disrupt her routine too much, or upset her or-"

"Kate," Alexis said, putting her hand on her arm. "If there's anyone who understand that, it's Dad."

Kate nodded, knowing one of the reasons she fell for her partner in the first place was seeing him as an amazing father. "I know…I know that, but its so strange. Even when I was pregnant there were still times I thought of him above everyone else, but now she's my main worry and it makes me feel…strangely guilty? Like I don't love him enough, but I do love him and… I sound crazy." She groaned and covered her face with her hands.

"Well, I'm not a parent, but I don't think you sound crazy."

Kate gave her an appreciative smile. "I just… I guess in my head I was a bit naïve. Thinking if we found him, everything could settle back in to how it was. It still can, but I think I didn't realize how rough a road we might have to get there. And then there's him and how he…"

"You think he might just dive back in and try to pretend like everything is okay and that the last fifteen months didn't happen without him and the fact that he doesn't remember and of it is a non-issue."

She let out a chuckle as Alexis had manage to describe what she was feeling but could not express. "Yeah…definitely something like that. Glad we're on the same page."

Alexis smiled. "I'm more than willing to help reign him in, but let's just take it a day at a time okay."

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

With her daughter on her hip, Kate cautiously approached the master bedroom to check on Castle. She didn't think he'd be sleeping but didn't want to wake him in case he'd drifted off during the ninety minutes he'd been on his own. When she peered around the corner she saw he still held her tablet in his hands and felt it safe to walk into the room. "Did you sleep at all?"

"Mm no, but I—oh hey." His face brightened immediately when he saw the little girl in her arms. "There she is."

Kate hummed. "Thought you two might want to play a little bit while I get dinner started."

Castle placed the tablet back on the nightstand and then hopped out of bed insisting, "I can help with dinner."

Gesturing with the baby, she countered with, "But wouldn't you rather help with this?" Without waiting for his response, she handed the baby over to him. Lily looked up at him curiously, then back at her mother, and then back to him without saying much. Castle cradled her close and pressed his lips against the top of her head. He then began to sway his hips to comfort her transition and when she didn't immediately cry out, Kate felt satisfied and gestured for Castle to follow her.

"C'mon—see she's all set up."

She led the way into the office which had been set up as a make-shift play room with some rubber matting on the floor, a pile of toys in the corner by the windows, and a pack-and-play for her to nap in right beside the writer's desk.

"Wow. I feel like I need to take a tour to reacquaint myself with all the changes in here—not that I'm complaining."

"Well you certainly can. Take her with you. Her room is the old guest room, by the way, and your mother's old room is now the guest room."

Castle's gaze drifted towards the stairs, but then he looked back to her, a bit uncertain. "Maybe later. Actually I'd…I'd like to talk if that's okay."

"Sure. Just grab some of her toys and bring everything out here so we can talk while I cook."

Again, he looked uncertain. "Which toys…I don't…"

"Here." She quickly bent down to pick up the portable play mat and the set of stacking cups that Lily had been enjoying lately. She then walked out into the main room and set them down on the floor behind the couch by the entrance of the kitchen, so they could be close enough to talk without being in the way. Castle put the baby down on the mat with her cups and then apologized.

"Don't be sorry," she assured him, "You'll learn quickly, I'm sure."

He leaned against the counter with his left elbow as he watched her pull out the necessary pots and ingredients. "When I was looking at all those pictures, I realized just how much I missed. Six months is so long in baby-time."

"True, but you won't miss any more than that. And she won't remember that time."

"Still…will you tell me about her birth?"

Kate nodded as she rinsed off some vegetables under the kitchen sink. As far as birth stories went, she knew that Lily's was fairly uninteresting, but of course it would be fascinating to her father. "Ah…sure. I went into labor overnight, woke up with contractions, and Alexis took me to the hospital. Everything went really smoothly. Nineteen hours later she arrived. Seven pounds, ten ounces."

"Alexis was with you?" he asked, his fatherly pride shining through.

"In the delivery room, yes, but your mother, my father, Javi, Kevin, and half the twelfth was in the waiting room. Of course, I didn't know that at the time. I was too busy falling in love with her. You were right—that instant love."

"Incredible right" he asked, gazing back at the child with the same devotion Kate had been feeling for the prior six months.

"Completely. And I've only fallen more in love since."

"Well she does seem very lovable." Castle crouched down to hook his finger in one of her pudgy hands, and Kate turned back to her meal prep. She focused for several minutes before she heard his footsteps on the kitchen floor and looked up to see he wore a rather concerned expression. When she asked what was wrong, he said, "I don't want to interrogate you too much—I know we have plenty of time to talk, but, um, I just want to make sure of one thing. I mean, I think I know the answer but just to confirm: are you with anyone? Another man, I mean."

She stopped what she was doing and gazed at him, giving her head the smallest of shakes. "I knew you were out there, Castle; I never gave up."

He smiled. "I didn't mean to imply that you did. It was just…fifteen months. When they visited yesterday the boys implied that the case was pretty cold."

She let out a mirthless laugh. "Glacial, actually. But not anymore. We're going to figure it out."

He groaned and raked his fingers back through his hair. "I hope so. I just…god this is so crazy. It honestly feels like just a few days ago I was driving to the Hamptons to marry you."

"You've only been home for two hours, Castle; give yourself some time to adjust."

"I kn—oh!" He was interrupted by a squeal from Lily. It wasn't exactly an unhappy cry, but definitely a nose signaling the end of her patience over the fact that she was not the center of attention. Thankfully, her father was up to the challenge. "I'm sorry Ms. Lily—was I not paying enough attention to you? Let's see what we have here, hmm?" Kate watched him sit down on the floor, pull her into his lap and begin playing with the stacking cups. She watched for a few moments, feeling her uncertainty melt away as she watched father and daughter interact in a way she feared they never would. Then, she turned back to the cooking, knowing she would have plenty of time to watch them bond in the future.

* * *

Sitting in the rocking chair in her daughter's room, Kate hummed softly as she rocked and let the baby nurse at her breast. As these moments were soon drawing to a close, she tried to savor every one of them. Times like that she wished she could stick it out and breastfeed for the full first year, but with her schedule it simply was not practical. She had done the best she felt she could, and her daughter was thriving; that was more than she could hope for.

"Do you mind?"

Looking up, Kate saw Castle hovering in the doorway looking a bit uncertain, so she smiled and said, "Of course not."

He stepped inside, walked over to them, smiled down at the baby, and then lifted his gaze to observe the space. "I really like this—all the elephants."

"Yeah, it was a nod to my mom—she used to call our family a parade of elephants. Seemed right."

"This must be so hard for you—doing all this without her."

Kate felt her heart clench at his words that reminded her of the struggle she had faced practically since the moment she held a positive pregnancy test in her hand. "There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her, wish I could call her, but I have my dad. And your mother has been surprisingly great. But I guess maybe I shouldn't be surprised—she raised you."

"Oh, let's not give her too much credit now." The writer joked. Then he nodded towards the baby in her arms. "This is beautiful, by the way; I'm glad I didn't miss all of it."

She gave a light laugh and agreed, "Me too." Over dinner she had explained to Castle that after breast feeding exclusively for five months, they had begun to transition Lily to a mixture of formula, breast milk, and one new pureed food a week. So far, everything had gone quite smoothly, which made her feel confident in her decision to wean Lily off her breast, except for the nighttime feedings; she would continue those until her supply dwindled out.

Using that as a transition point, Castle had asked how their sleeping arrangements would work in the wake of his return. Kate said she had already moved most of her things to the guest room, and naturally the writer began to protest and offered to give up the master suite or, more preferably, share it with her, but she told him she was not yet ready for that, and he agreed, though his reluctance was obvious.

"I think she's done now, do you mind?"

"Never," he replied as he draped a cloth over his shoulder before picking up the baby and holding her there for a burp.

Kate pulled her shirt back into place and then stood, gesturing towards the small stool beside the rocking chair. "I put out the two books she's been most into lately. Diapers and everything else are on the changing table there. If you need anything, I'll be just across the hall making up the bed."

"We'll be fine. Thank you." He added in a very genuine tone.

She brushed her hand across his arm as she walked by them. He had seemed so uncertain when he requested to put Lily to bed—as if she would have denied him, a clear candidate for father of the year, that opportunity. She was slightly concerned that Lily might protest the strange man rocking her to sleep, but usually after her nighttime feedings she was too sleepy to notice who was putting her down, so she hoped they would be okay.

For fifteen minutes Kate busied herself with changing the sheets and making sure everything else was set up in the guest room for herself. She realized she forgot her lotion, so she dashed back down to the master suite to grab it from the nightstand. After that, she went to check on Castle and Lily, but it seemed the skilled dad didn't need her at all. By the time she checked in, Lily was already zipped in her sleep sack and snoring softly. She stepped up beside Castle, who stood at the edge of the crib, gazing at her lovingly, and smiled. He smiled back.

"Sleeping angel."

"She had a big day."

"We all did." With that, he draped his arm over her shoulders and tugged her in close to his body. It was the first significant contact they had since his return, and Kate immediately felt her chest tighten with discomfort, like a stranger had grabbed her not her fiancé. She tried to casually step out of his embrace, but of course there was no way to do that without alerting him. "What's wrong?"

She gazed up at him, a bit guilty. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I just… I guess I'm still getting used to you being back and…touching me."

His expression made it seem as though she'd just slapped him across the face. "Oh."

"Please don't be upset," she begged, though the sensation she had upset her as well. She had never once shied away from Castle's touch before, but in that moment, it just felt…wrong and she couldn't explain why.

"No, I get it…fifteen months, but to me it feels like barely a few days."

"I understand that, and I don't want to hurt you, but-"

"No, no." He took a step back and held his hands up defensively. "The last thing I'd ever want to do is to make you uncomfortable. I, ah, I think I'm also going to head to bed."

She didn't hesitate to agree since she could feel the tears beginning to form behind her eyes. "Sure. Goodnight, Castle."

"Night Kate."

Only once he was gone did Kate gaze down at her daughter and feel the warm tears begin to trickle down her cheeks; this really was going to be much harder than she thought it would be.

* * *

 **A/N:** thank you so, so, so much to everyone who reviewed the first chapter - the response was far more than i was expecting, but i am quite thrilled!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

At quarter after six the following morning, Kate awoke without even needing her six-thirty alarm. Motherhood had almost completely removed her ability to sleep in as it was a rare day she did not awake before her daughter, but that was okay; Lily was worth it a million times over. She lay in bed for a few minutes before finally pulling herself from her comfortable cocoon, pulling on her robe, and shuffling down the hallway. She was not even going to stop at Lily's room for fear of prematurely waking her, only she saw the door was wide open instead of mostly shut like she'd left it.

Peeking her head in the doorway, she saw Castle seated just in front of Lily's crib. Evidently, he'd pulled the rocker from its spot in the corner so that he could have an up-close view of their sleeping child. Though she intended to watch him quietly for a few moments, he noticed her and gave a dopey little wave. "Good morning."

"Hey. Couldn't sleep?"

He shrugged one shoulder before standing up and dragging the rocker back into its place. "Did for a while...maybe until about three. Then I got up and tried to write but…I just ended up in here, watching her.

"Well, she'll be up soon. She's pretty good at being a 6:45 alarm."

"Good to know. Are you going in to work today?"

"No, not today, but this'll be my last day off, so we'll need to talk about how to handle that—after coffee."

He held up his hands defensively. "No arguments here."

Kate led the way downstairs and began efficiently preparing her morning brew. Castle disappeared into the bedroom briefly, but then returned just as she was pouring out the cups. As she put his cup on the counter in front of him, Kate realized that cup would be the first they shared since a few days before their wedding was supposed to take place. Considering how integral caffeine had been in their relationship, that moment truly was a momentous one.

Evidently sensing this as well, Castle lifted up his mug and suggested, "I think we should toast. I know its untraditional for coffee, but I think our first morning together in fifteen months deserves recognition."

She tapped her mug against his and agreed. "I have definitely missed it."

"I'm sure I missed it too."

She arched an eyebrow at how he worded his statement. "Have you remembered anything from your time away."

After taking a sip of coffee, he shook his head. "Nothing concrete. My dreams are very…fitful. I, um…it's like there's flashes of something there I can't quite grasp. I'm hoping in time it becomes clearer."

"It's still only been a few days," she said positively.

"Right. That's why I'm hoping in time it—oh, right on cue." He commented as a baby's cries could be heard.

"Told you." Kate smiled then reached into the cabinet for the container of formula. "Would you mind making the bottle? You just-"

"I remember."

She looked at him a bit surprised for a moment, but then quickly recalled what she knew about Meredith being an absentee mother, which most likely meant Castle was well acquainted with formula. "Right. Sorry, sometimes I forget how much of this you've done before. That's going to come in super handy."

He winked as he took the canister from her. "Partners in everything, Kate."

For the second time since he arrived home, Kate felt some weight lift off her shoulders at her partner's words. No longer would there be a moment she faced with great uncertainty. She wouldn't have to call her father, desperately hoping he had answers. She wouldn't be typing frantic words into Google at three a.m. Sure, there were bound to be one or two situations he had not encountered, but for the most part, he'd been through it all with a high degree of success she imagined. He was always be someone she could depend on, now those experiences expanded to their child.

After greeting Lily with some snuggles and changing her diaper, Kate carried her downstairs, so they could all start their day. Castle met them at the edge of the kitchen with a bottle in one hand and his coffee mug in the other. He leaned down and pressed his lips to the side of Lily's head saying, "Good morning angel—did you sleep well?"

"You want to feed her, right?"

"Absolutely."

She gave him a moment to put his mug down and pull out one of the kitchen chairs to sit before he reached out for the baby. Unfortunately, the moment she was pulled away from her mother, Lily began to cry. Instead of sitting, Castle stood and bounced her saying, "Hey, hey—what's going on Lily?" She did nothing except reach out a pudgy hand for her mother.

"Honey you did so well with Daddy yesterday," Kate said as she slipped her index finger into her daughter's palm. Castle tried to put the bottle into her mouth, but she whipped her head away from him and continued to cry. "Here let's sit. You hold her, and I'll try to feed her then maybe you can take over."

They sat side by side with Castle holding Lily and Kate trying to put the bottle into her mouth. Lily continued to fight until her cheeks began to turn red and her cries grew even more desperate. Not wanting her daughter to suffer and any more, Kate scooped her up and held her close to her chest as she paced the area between the table and the kitchen. It only took a few minutes of her walking and making hushing noises for Lily to settle down. Once she had, Kate used a tissue to wipe beneath her nose, and then she was able to give her the bottle without resistance. Only then did she notice that Castle appeared as though he'd been strapped to his chair against his will. She knew that did not mean Castle was unwilling to sit with her while she calmed their daughter, only that he was holding himself back from jumping in and ultimately making the situation worse again.

"I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you."

He let out a mirthless laugh and rested his forearms heavily against the table. "Frustrated feels like my permanent state now, so I've just had to accept it."

She gave him a reassuring smile. "It'll get better, Castle."

"I know. I mean…it already kind of is. Just the fact that she exists…that's all my dreams come true."

Kate's heart fluttered beneath her ribs as she gazed down at the now-content girl and then back up to Castle. "I know exactly what you mean." Not once in her life had she thought extensively about having a family. Sure, it was in the back of her mind as a theoretical future she could have for herself, but while others her age put thought into what kind of wedding they might have or the names of their future children, she never had. She knew that in order for her to have such a future she would need to find an amazing man to love; one who made her believe that the impossible was possible.

Thankfully Castle was without any question that man, but as she had spent so many years _not_ thinking about it, even after the onset of their relationship Kate didn't think too much about family. Sure, they had a few casual conversations about it as their intimacy progressed. And once they were engaged, she confirmed that she did want to have at least one child with him, but in her mind that was at least a year—maybe even more—into the future. Then, one afternoon, two lines appeared on a pregnancy test and she surprised herself as her eyes welled with tears of joy. Suddenly, everything seemed to fall into place. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but what did that matter? They were going to be the family they dreamed of having and nothing could have been sweeter.

Then, after the unthinkable had happened, Kate experienced a rollercoaster of emotions. Once things evened out, however, she never felt more grateful for the baby growing inside her, for no matter what happened in the future, she would always have a piece of Richard Castle with her, and that truly was a dream come true—even if she had never before realized it was one of her dreams.

* * *

"Okay, so do you want to take a few minutes and talk about tomorrow?" Kate said about two hours into their day while Castle was once again sitting at the kitchen table with his second cup of coffee, Lily now sitting happily in his lap while gnawing on a teething toy. Alexis had left for her classes a few minutes earlier, and before she finished cleaning up everyone's breakfast, she wanted to make sure they talk about how things would be handled moving forward.

Without waiting for Castle's response, she sat down in the chair beside him and placed her leather-bound day-planner open on the table between them. "Wow look at that; so many notes," the writer commented, jest in his voice.

Kate lay her palm flat against the open pages. "This is the Beckett-Castle family calendar."

His eyebrow quirked. "Are you serious?"

"Very. Right now, organization is the key to my sanity."

He chuckled and nodded. "Then please—explain away."

She cleared her throat and began. "As you know…oh, I guess maybe you don't. I'm a Sergeant now."

His eyes widened momentarily and then his expression morphed into one of deep pride. "Kate—really? That's incredible!"

She smiled at him. "Thanks. I took the test…oh, about eight months pregnant, but it's…well it's good and bad. I'm in a supervisorial role now, which means less crazy shifts, and that's great for being a mom, but it also means far less case work, less field work and that's been a hard adjustment."

Given that she believed fieldwork was her strength and that it was her life's mission to be a detective, Kate had initially dismissed Gate's suggestion to take the Sergeant's exam and put her name in the ring for the soon-to-be-open position, but then, just a few nights later, when she awoke to the feeling of Lily kicking insistently at her bladder, she thought about it more and realized the decision was not about her and what she wanted, but them and what they needed. Since for the foreseeable future she was going to be a single parent, Kate knew that the schedule she kept as a detective was not the best one she could have to raise her daughter, and thus she accepted Gates' offer and began studying for the exam.

"I can imagine how hard it's been."

"The point is – my shifts are more consistent than they were and they're less volatile—like, catching a murder in the middle of the day doesn't mean I have to be there until the wee hours anymore."

"Bet Ryan and Espo love that."

She laughed. "They never let me forget it. Anyway, so you're aware: I work mostly weekdays, plus every third Saturday, and a rotating overnight schedule," she said as she tapped her fingers against the calendar pages. "As such, it's really a group effort here. Alexis's classes are all Monday/Wednesday/ Friday, so she watches Lil on Tuesday/Thursday unless she has a meeting or a group study. Your mom pitches in when she can, of course, and so does my dad, but a month ago it became clear our haphazard schedule would not work long term, so I hired a nanny. Her name is Hannah and she's very sweet and very good with Lily."

Castle's brow wrinkled as he gazed down at the child in his lap. "But we don't need her now, right?"

"Who?"

"Hannah. That is to say: I'll take care of Lily full time now that I'm back."

"You don't have to."

"I want to. I did with Alexis—why wouldn't I take care of Lily too?"

Picking up on his defensiveness, Kate leaned towards him and softened her voice. "I'm not trying to offend you, Rick. I just want you to understand that I don't expect that. You can still work on your writing full time or continue working as an NYPD consultant—it's entirely up to you."

He opened his mouth, but no sound came out for a moment as he considered the options she listed. "Well, I…of course I'll miss working with you and the boys but, no—this is what I love." He adjusted Lily in his lap, so he could cuddle her closer. When he next spoke, his voice was as confident as ever. "I love being a father and taking care of her is what I want to do."

She nodded in acceptance. She surely would not have been upset or offended if he had elected to keep the nanny on, but she also would have been lying if she said that his decision to be a full-time dad made her unhappy. "Okay, but we'll still need to ease in over the next few weeks."

"What do you mean?"

With that morning's melt down fresh in her mind, Kate explained, "She doesn't know you, Castle. Yes, you're her father, and she had heard your voice on recordings, but she still doesn't _know_ you. She adjusted to Hannah quickly, so I don't think it'll be for too long, but I also don't want to flip her world upside-down too much, you know?"

He nodded. "Of course—the last thing I want is to upset her."

"So, we'll ease in and figure it out as we go?"

"Yeah. Definitely." He agreed. "I—oh." He gazed down with a wrinkled nose and then back up to Kate. "I think we have a diaper situation."

She shrugged and leaned back in her chair, never feeling more relaxed. "Well, go take care of it Super Dad."

"Okay, Lily," he said as he stood and moved her to his hip. "Let's go get you cleaned up. Oh, and just so you know: if you don't ever want to projectile poop in my face like your sister did, that's okay with me."

Kate merely laughed as she returned to the kitchen to finish cleaning up breakfast.

* * *

Later that day, after checking some of her work emails and throwing in a load of laundry, Kate realized the time and knew Lily would be going down for her afternoon nap quite soon. The last she was aware, she and Castle were playing in his office, but there wasn't any noise coming from behind the bookshelves, so she decided to investigate. What she found made a smile instantly cross her face, for the writer was trapped in a slightly awkward position with their daughter snoring softly into his chest.

"You can put her in the pack-and-play, you know?"

Castle gazed up at her as though she's suggested the world was flat. "Not a chance. She really does love to be read to, doesn't she?" he said, gesturing towards the small pile of books now on the floor by his seat.

Kate hummed. "Oh yeah, she loves 'em."

"So, um, while she's sleeping—let's talk about you."

"Oh, well I love books, too."

He gave her a look. "Clearly not what I meant. You're…not as relaxed as you should be given the day we're having."

She nodded a bit guiltily; of course he had picked up on what she was trying to hide; she had forgotten how good he was at that. After Lily's meltdown, they truly did have a good morning with just the three of them until Lily took her nap and Kate used that opportunity to take a shower and get cleaned up. As she was getting dressed, she heard a strange voice downstairs and immediately felt panicked. It was ultimately nothing—just a Black Pawn intern dropping off a "welcome back" package for Castle—but it served as a reminder to Kate that as happy as she was that her fiancé had returned, the mystery of his disappearance remained, and given just how long he was gone, the potential for that disappearance to have nefarious roots remained ever-possible.

"I guess I'm just still adjusting."

"To me being back?" he asked in a way that sounded surprise, which annoyed her and cause her to snip at him in a bit harsher tone than she should have used.

"You've been gone for fifteen months, Castle. On the day we were supposed to get married, you disappeared, and I had no idea if you were ever coming back, so, yeah; I'm still adjusting."

"Kate, you know I never meant to…I'm so sorry for how hurt you must have felt, how alone."

She felt her bottom lip tremble and looked away from him as a tear fell from her left eye. God, she did not want to do this; she did not want to fall apart in that moment, but they were alone in the apartment, so it seemed just as good a moment as any.

"You don't have to apologize, Castle. I know you wouldn't have left willingly; I'm just stating facts here. Every night I would get into our bed, put my hands on my ever-growing belly and beg and cry and plead with the universe to bring you back to me and that wasn't me—that was never who I was. Not before you. But with you I…being with you became who I was—in the good way. I wanted it. I wanted you, us. I wanted it _so_ much."

She remembered those nights vividly. She remembered crying both because she missed him and because she was frustrated with herself, because she was never the type of person to need a man. It took her a lot of soul-searching to accept that needing someone she loved wasn't a bad thing—and neither was missing him desperately. She still had her dark moments when she felt as though she would have given almost anything just to see him one more time, to have him hold her and tell her that he loved her, but she also knew that in real life such desires might never come true.

"For so long that seemed impossible, but then I got a call saying that you'd been found and…" Her voice cracked and she grabbed a tissue from the edge of the desk to mop up the tears collecting on her cheeks. "It's just really hard, because I want to be glad that you're here. I want to say that we can start getting back to 'us' but I am so afraid that you'll leave again."

"I'm not going anywhere," he said fervently.

She shook her head as the tears continued to fall. "We don't know where you were, so I don't think you can promise that."

"I can because I won't leave you. Kate, I won't. I swear to god I won't leave you or Lily—ever. You want to put a tracking device on me? You can."

Despite the serious moment, she cracked a small smile. "No tracking devices, Castle. It's just… even if we did know where you were; even if we had all the answers, it would still be an adjustment because nothing would change the fact that you were gone over a year."

"And you thought I was dead," he concluded sadly.

"No." She insisted fiercely as she kneeled down on the floor in front of where he sat since he was unable to move. "I would never let anyone say that. If they did, I—I'd lash out…throw things on occasion. I needed to believe you were out there, that we would find you or that some day you'd find us. I needed that for me, for Lily, for Alexis and your mother, but… but deep down. Deep, deep down." She shook her head as her bottom lip trammeled once again. "It was harder to believe with each passing day. I knew the stats. Someone missing over a year coming back? The odds were not in our favor."

He scoffed. "Odds? Please. I beat odds for breakfast."

Despite her tears, she smiled and reached out for his hand. "I was so afraid I'd never see you again, see your smile, hear your laugh."

"Kate." He sighed, his tone desperate and wanting. He reached past her hand towards her face. Given their positions, he could just barely touch her cheek with his index finger, so she leaned in closer and allowed him to rub away some of her tear tracks with the tips of his fingers. She shut her eyes and sunk into his touch, feeling a few moments of relief, and a lightness in her chest, but then, fear gripped at her heart once more, and she moved away from him. Rocking back on her heels, she stood and gave him a small smile. Then, she bent down to pick up the books he'd discarded in an effort to clean up the office.

"Hey Kate? I was thinking…Could we take a family photo together?"

Her brow wrinkled. "Like...a professional one?"

"Well maybe eventually, but no I meant just with a phone—for now. I just want a picture of the three of us."

She smiled at his sweet sentiments. "Sure Castle—we'll do it at dinner. Speaking of which—I'm going to set that lasagna out to defrost."

"Kate?" he stopped her before she could leave the room. She met his eye and he said, "I promise, I'm not going anywhere." In response, she only gave him a small smile. She knew that he believed that was true, but she just wasn't sure—not until they knew more.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Good morning Sergeant; welcome back."

Kate smiled at her captain a bit bleary-eyed. She'd been so anxious about going back to work that she hadn't slept well the night before. In addition to that, she had already intended to be up a half an hour earlier than usual, as she was not sure how Castle's presence would affect her morning routine. Fortunately, he slept through most of it, and Hannah was on time, meaning her departure went smoothly, but it was definitely a morning she would be needing a second, maybe even third cup of coffee.

"Thank you, sir."

"And how is Mr. Castle doing? Well, I hope."

She blocked a yawn with the back of her hand. "Ah…yeah, yeah he's doing pretty good. Still adjusting as you can imagine."

"Of course, but thrilled to meet his daughter, I'm sure."

She let out a light laugh. "Thrilled doesn't begin to cover it."

Gates smiled. "Well please pass along my best wishes."

"Of course; thank you."

After arriving at her desk, Kate set down her travel mug and pulled out her day planner from her purse before sitting down. Thankfully she had checked her emails the afternoon before, so she knew her online inbox would not be too overwhelming. The physical one on her desk, however, was overflowing with paperwork she needed to approve. As much as she disliked the paperwork, the benefits of spending long hours with her daughter instead of slaving over security footage or canvassing for witness was a worthy trade off.

As she sat in her seat, Kate caught a glimpse of the chair beside her desk and smiled. Almost continually for fifteen months the chair had sat empty. Now, its occupant had returned. If he was going to be watching Lily, she doubted he would be seated in that spot too often, but she also knew her partner and there was no way he could stay away forever, especially if his mother or daughter were available to baby-sit. She definitely looked forward to those times—and all the comments he would make about her stack of paperwork when he arrived.

"Hey there's our Serge!"

Kate glanced up at gave Esposito a nod. "Good morning." While "Serge" was definitely not her favorite nickname, it was certainly better than some other ones they could have come up with now that she was their official superior, so she decided to let it go.

A moment later, Ryan walked up behind his partner and asked, "How are you? How's Castle?"

She huffed out a breath and gave her head a little shake, not entirely sure how to answer that in any less than a thousand words. "He's… being Castle. I bet he's going to drive Hannah nuts today." She actually apologized to the young woman on her way out. She knew for any newbie, especially someone as quiet and passive as Hannah was, her fiancé could be a handful, but she honestly did not even know what to begin to expect from him in this state. It was possible he would relax and keep to himself, but most likely he would pepper her with questions and be under-foot most of the day.

"Did he start to remember anything?"

"Not a thing. He says he's had some dreams, but he can't remember much. Just flashes—he's calling them flashes."

Ryan nodded. "We looked at security camera footage in the area where he was found, but there was nothing."

"That's not really surprising, but thanks anyway."

Ryan gave her a reassuring smile. "He'll remember something; I'm sure of it."

She smiled back. "Thanks Kevin."

"Just let us know if there's anything else we can do," Esposito added before the duo walked away.

Turning back to her computer, Kate skimmed through her email inbox to see if there were any pressing messages, but there weren't. She then turned to her physical inbox but curled her lip in displeasure. She definitely needed a few more sips of coffee before she tackled that. Instead, her eyes drifted towards the file folder on her computer desktop labeled "Richard Castle Disappearance."

Kate lost count of the hours she had poured over the documents inside that folder; she practically knew them all by heart. Back in the first few months after he went missing, not a day went by without her spending at least an hour or two working on that folder, even if it was just reading the same documents over and over thinking her brain might come up with a new angle from which to approach the case. The later she got into her pregnancy and of course after Lily's birth, such a time dedication was not only impractical but borderline impossible. Still, she liked to look in the files at least a few times a week just to keep all the pieces she had fresh in her mind.

Kate double-clicked her mouse to open the folder and stared at the many labeled files, her fingertips drumming against the sides of her travel mug. For so many months these files had been her lifeline; her solid ground. Though the taunting voices in the back of her mind told her that this case could end up being more devastating to her than her mothers (for, as terrible as it was, at least she had the closure of knowing her mother was dead and had not simply disappeared into thin air). Just like with her mother's case, though, the lack of evidence was equal parts startling and maddening. How could there be no clues? No information? People didn't just vanish. Except that they did—and Richard Castle had.

Though she would never, ever be disappointed in his return, Kate did feel uncertainty creep back into her gut as she stared at the file labeled "possible suspects." Were any of those culprits the right one? Or was his kidnapper an unknown figure? She still believed that he had been taken or at least disappeared willingly, but under duress, perhaps due to a threat to her or his daughter. Still, there was absolutely no scenario in her mind that explained both his wedding day departure and the fact that he had been gone well over a year. True, when it came to their partnership Castle was far more skilled at spinning tales that linked evidence together, and she did intend on asking him about his theories, but she promised herself she would not do so for at least the first week he was back with them. Though he was putting on a good front, she knew he was still healing from both the physical and mental effects of his time away, so she would give him the time he needed and then hopefully they could dive in and solve this thing—together.

* * *

"Okay, I think we've got everything here. Soap, toys, soft washcloth, and an adorable little robe that'll make you look like a cute teddy bear—yes it will." Castle cooed as his daughter and placed a loud kiss onto her cheek. Lily gurgled happily and leaned her head against her father's jaw as they made their way into the bathroom; Kate followed quietly behind them, the smile never leaving her face. Of course she had full confidence that Castle was capable of bathing Lily without supervision. She was only there in case of a melt down crises. Plus, where was the fun in being downstairs when she could bear witness to what would surely be a heart-warming bath time session?

Earlier that afternoon as she left work for the week, Kate finally felt confident that she and her partner had settled into a good routine. True, he had not yet been back in their lives a week, and technically that was only her third day going to work, but everything was moving in a positive direction. They still had some awkward—or, as he liked to call them "less perfect"—moments, but those were lessening by the day. It truly was hard to believe that a week earlier they didn't know if he was alive or dead, and now there he was, striping Lily out of her clothes and diaper to put her into her Saturday evening bath.

"Okay Lily let's get you all nice and sudsy and squeaky clean." Castle tickled the bottom of her chin before he soaped up her wash cloth and began to run it over her mostly bald head and then delicately wiped across her face.

Kate leaned back against the counter and watched with joy and amusement. She actually had to admit to being impressed by how well Lily had bonded with her father in the five short days he'd been home. There was no question this bond was formed in part because Castle absolutely went out of his way every waking hour to be involved with Lily in some way, whether it was feeding, playing, or diaper changing. Beyond that, however, Kate could not help but wonder if there was some biological or instinctual connection that Lily sensed between them. True, Kate had played his voice on recordings, but those two sounds would have only been similar, not identical, particularly since some of those recordings were pulled off microphones in interrogation rooms that were far from acoustically perfect. Whatever the reason, she didn't want to question it; it was too pure and beautiful for that. She was simply glad she was fortunate enough to watch it happen.

"Ok, Lily, let's—ah! Shit!"

"You okay?" Kate asked when she watched his hands shoot to his lower back and clutch it tenderly.

He craned his neck over his shoulder to gaze at her. "I felt a pop—is that bad?"

"It's probably not great…need me to help?"

He groaned and used his forearms braced against the edge of the tub to stand and waddle towards the counter where he left Lily's towel. "No, I—ah—I'll be fine I think. Though I think this is my body reminding me that being a parent in my forties will be much different than in my early twenties."

She rolled her eyes slightly at his tone. "You're making it sound like you'll be wheelchair bound by Christmas."

"I might be." He quipped before gingerly getting back down on the floor and pulling the stopper out of the tub drain. He then made sure to rinse the last few soap bubbles off Lily before scooping her up, wrapping the towel around her, and very carefully standing once more. "But don't worry, Lily—no matter how much Daddy's back hurts, I'll still get down on the floor and have tea parties with you."

"Tea parties, huh?" Kate followed them across the hall to Lily's room while a mental image of Castle wearing one of his mother's hats and holding a small pink tea cup with his pinky flared out crossed into her mind.

"Yep. Tea parties with all kinds of dollies and stuffed animals. They're going to be so much fun," he said, tapping the girl's belly with each of the last three words. Then he lay her down on the changing table so he could finish drying her off.

"You're not disappointed are you?"

"About my aching spine? Yeah, getting old sucks."

"No, I mean about…" Her voice drifted off as she gestured towards the baby. "About having daughters and not a son."

He turned to face her as though she had asked him to take his own life. "Why…why would I ever be disappointed about that? Did you think I would be?"

"No, no," she said quickly. Then she gave a little shrug. "I honestly never thought about it until just this moment."

"Well I never for one moment thought that. Truly—I never cared about whether I had a son or a daughter, not even when we first found out about Meredith's pregnancy. And I wouldn't have cared with us, either. I might have even said I preferred a girl, because I love little girls so much—yes I do." He cooed down at Lily while stroking his hand delicately over her head. Then, he finished putting on her diaper and picked her back up with the hood of her robe in place revealing the tiny bear ears on top. Lily grinned, showing off her one bottom tooth and both her parents' hearts melted.

"I think we might have the cutest baby in the whole world." Castle concluded confidently.

Kate chuckled, but agreed. "We just might. Okay Lil, time for bed." Kate reached out for her daughter and carried her over to her crib so she could put on her PJs and get her ready to go to sleep.

After nursing her, reading two stories, and rocking her for about ten minutes, Lily had finally fallen to sleep, so Kate slipped quietly out of her room and went downstairs where Castle was wiping crumbs up off the kitchen counter. He looked up when he heard her approaching and said, "I was going to suggest opening a bottle of wine, but then I remembered you can't, right?"

"Not while I'm still breastfeeding, no." Truth be told, Kate didn't mind her fifteen-month break from alcohol as much as she thought she was. There had certainly been some days she craved a drink, but for the most part she believed it was for the best. Because of her pregnancy and breast feeding, she knew she could not drink any alcohol, which meant on those days she felt the most distraught by Castle's absence there was no risk of her falling down the same hole that her father had with his drinking after the death of her mother. "But…realistically I think it'll maybe only be another week or two before I'm done."

"Then we'll open one of your favorite bottles to celebrate." He smiled and then gestured towards the sitting area. "Want to watch a movie?"

"Oh…um, sure. Okay." She really had not thought much about what they would do on their Saturday evening together, so a movie seemed as good a plan as any.

When Castle said he would check to see what was available from their cable provider, she made herself a mug of chamomile tea and then joined him in the sitting room. She placed her tea mug on the coffee table and then sat in the oversized chair beside the couch, tucking both her legs underneath her and picking up one of the throw pillows to hug in her lap.

After arranging herself, Kate glanced over to Castle, who sat on the couch with both the television and cable box remotes in his hand. His body was twisted so it half faced her and half faced the television, but his expression was not one of movie selection intrigue, but more one of general confusion, so she asked what was wrong.

"I, um…you don't want to sit here beside me?" he asked, his tone sounding a bit hurt.

Kate glanced at the spot just to his right where the sectional sofa piece jutted out to a lounge. For the duration of their relationship, that spot had been "hers" whenever they would curl up together whether it was to read or watch sports or a movie. In truth, sitting there without him had made her feel too sad, so she'd made the chair her new spot, which actually worked out for the best as the chair was easier to sit in while nursing Lily.

"It's…I mean, I've just gotten used to sitting in the chair so…"

Castle turned off the TV and put the remotes down on the coffee table. Clasping his hands together, he said, "Before we watch the movie, can we talk about something? I…I know you're still adjusting. Even though it's confusing because for me it barely feels like a week, but it's been fifteen months for you. I get that. And I respect that, and I don't want to push you or upset you I just…I really want to touch you. And hug you."

Kate felt her stomach twist with guilt as she stared into the sad blue eyes of the wonderful man in front of her. She could only imagine how lost and confused he felt, having a memory gap of over a year. For the prior few years, he had sought her out for comfort just as she had him and it was silly to her to think that he would not want to do the same now, or that he would be okay with her distance. Yes, she had her reasons for keeping him—literally—at arm's length but her intent was never to hurt him or make him feel unloved. It was simply… a very difficult situation.

Lowering her gaze to her lap she confessed, "It's not that I don't want to hug you, Castle, but if I do…I'm going to just…completely fall apart." She rasped out the final words as though they were a sin. She had to be strong for herself, for Lily. For the prior six days she had been operating in survival mode and not let herself think too much or feel too much for fear that once the tears started, they would not stop for quite some time.

"That's why you haven't touched me?" he asked, his tone ringing with notable relief. "I thought it was because maybe you didn't feel…"

"No, no—never."

"Then…" he gave a little shrug. "It's just the two of us here. Would falling apart really be so bad? It…it sounds like it might be something you need—that we both need."

She stared at him for several seconds before she could no longer fight the fire burning inside of her chest. She uncurled herself from her seat and moved to stand. He met her halfway across the space and pulled her against his chest. In her bare feet, she was able to slip her head into the crook of his neck and melt against him like she'd dreamed about. When his arms closed around her shoulders, she felt the taunt coil in her belly unfurl in an instant and the tears began steadily falling down her cheeks. She tightened her grip on him, grabbing handfuls of his shirt with her fists and twisting them in an attempt to hold herself steady. He dusted a few kisses over the top of her head and whispered kind words into her ear.

"I missed you so much," she finally blubbered out.

"I know."

"I missed you every second of every day."

"I know…I know…"

She held herself close to him for several minutes before pulling back and looking into his eyes as she sniveled out, "I forgot what it was like to be alone all the time and I just wanted you here with me. I would have given anything for just one more minute. Just one more second with you. I wanted you there for ultrasounds and picking out baby things, the birth of our daughter, every sleepless night. I wanted you there, but you weren't—you weren't there."

His face crumpled with remorse. "I'm so sor-"

"No, don't." She lifted her hand to press her fingertips over his lips. "Don't apologize. I'm not blaming you. I know that you love me, and you wouldn't have left if you had a choice—especially not if you knew about Lily."

He took a step back from her as though saying their daughters name had plunged a knife into his gut. He clasped his hands in front of his chest pleadingly as he said, "Oh, Lily…Kate, my god I swear…I don't know where I was or what was going on, but I know I would have done everything in my power if I had-"

"I know. I know. I'd never blame you for not being here, Castle; I just…I'm just telling you how I feel. How I've felt. I don't want to upset you or make you feel guilt or anything like that. I just need you to know how I feel so you understand why I'm still…hesitant. Why I still need to take my time before we get back to 'us.'"

When it got right down to it, challenges still lay ahead on their road back to the romantic relationship they had before. Logically she knew that Castle did not choose to leave her or their child and thus should not be blamed for his absence. Yet, he was still gone, and she still had the instinct to blame _someone_. Since he was the one right in front of her, it was very difficult not to unconsciously direct that displeasure in his direction. She fought that urge frequently but hoped that being fully honest with him as she had been would help them back to where they once were.

He gazed at her with cautious hope. "That is still what you want, right? Us?"

She confirmed with a nod. "For fifteen months."

He nodded back. "Ok. Then…I can be patient."

"Can you?" she asked, quirking her eyebrow at him. She let a beat go by before adding, "Just teasing…"

He grumbled, "Beckett…" at her, and she laughed before snagging his hand and pulling him down onto the couch where she tucked her body beside his and leaned her cheek against his shoulder.

They started to watch a movie that had come out during Castle's missing time and got about halfway through it before they were interrupted by Alexis arriving home and cooing at them. "Aren't you two adorable?"

Kate glanced at the time on Castle's watch and then said, "You're home a bit early from your date, aren't you?"

Castle scoffed. "There is no such thing as coming home too early from a date."

Alexis rolled her eyes at him and then turned to Kate. "Pete said his dinner wasn't agreeing with him, so we cut the evening short."

"You know, I'd really like to meet this Pete character sometime. Maybe you should bring him here for dinner sometime this week."

"Only if you promise not to call him a 'character,'" Alexis counter-argued.

"I suppose I could agree to that."

"Then I'll ask him—but I make no promises! Goodnight, guys."

"Night!" Kate called out to her. Then, she looked at Castle. "He really is very nice."

"Did you run a background check on him?"

Kate clicked her tongue at him. "No; of course not."

"Why not?"

"Um, because that's a violation of his privacy… Besides, he's nice and I know Alexis is a good judge of character." She then shrugged and added, "It's fine; you'll see."

Castle grumbled as he reached for the remote again. "No, _you'll_ see. Just wait until Lily starts dating; then you'll change your tune."

"I don't think I will, but I guess we'll find out in fifteen or so years."

He gave her a pointed look. "Yes. We will."

She rolled her eyes and reached out for the remote. "Just start the movie again, would ya?"

He huffed. "Fine, but you'll see Beckett; you will see."

* * *

 **A/N** : Once again thank you all so much for reading & reviewing!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Sitting at her desk on a dreary Thursday afternoon, Kate signed her name to the supervisor line on yet another arrest report, moved it to the "done" pile, and then reached out for the next stack of papers. Only three packets left and then she was done with paperwork—at least until the following days' worth of arrests showed up on her desk.

As tired as she was from the week, Kate did feel relief knowing that the next day, Friday, would be her last working day for two whole days. While for many working mothers that would be a normal occurrence, Kate never took her "regular" weekends off for granted, particularly since this would be her first full weekend with Castle since his return. He had already requested that they do something special since the weather was supposed to be nice. She agreed, but he did not provide any further details. Knowing what she did about him, however, she felt confident that at least one if not more surprises lay ahead.

Just as she put her name at the bottom of the last arrest report, Kate heard her phone chime with an incoming text message. She fought the urge to punch the air with joy as it would give her something that was not mind-numbing to focus on, if only for a few minutes. Scooping up her phone, she saw that the message was from Alexis, which she found odd, because as far as she was aware Alexis was busy that entire afternoon with a group project.

 _I just want to let you know that Lily is fine, but apparently she had a total melt down when dad was with her and he called me to rescue him_

Kate felt perspiration form on her brow at this news. A dozen questions popped into her mind the first and foremost of which being: where was their baby sitter? Though it was a Thursday, which traditionally had been Alexis's Lily-watching day, due to the group assignment she was working on, they had hired Hannah for an extra day that week. Though he had said nothing, Kate did see her partner's lips twitch with displeasure when she informed him of this. She knew just how much he wanted to step into the role of full-time-dad, but with him being back barely ten days, she still believed it was a good idea for him to have another person around as a backup.

 _Where's Hannah_?

 _Dad sent her home right after you left_

"Shit." She cursed under her breath and then shook her head thinking that she should have expected something of that nature to happen. _Is Lil okay now?_

 _Yes, I calmed her down; she's napping_ , Alexis replied.

Breathing out a sigh of relief, Kate typed back. _Thank you so much. Go back to your group if you need to; I'll try to get out of here as early as I can_.

 _No worries; it's fine Kate—just wanted you to know._

After thanking Alexis again, Kate placed her phone down on her desk, leaned back in her seat, and thought. The most important thing to her was that her daughter was safe and happy, and it seemed that was now the case, so she should not have been worried, but she was. Foremost in her mind in that moment was not the contentment of a six-month-old-girl, but a forty-some-year-old man. Despite the fact that anyone could have bad days she had a sinking feeling that the writer's failure to comfort his daughter would weigh on him heavily. Such thoughts would be unfair to Lily, who despite making great progress, had only known him for little more than a week, but she also knew her partner well, and figured it would be a bit of a blow to him, particularly since he generally prided himself on is parenting.

"Sergeant Beckett?" she heard from across the room, and the call took her away form her thoughts. When she looked up to see one of the detectives beckoning her, she stood up, straightened her blazer, and for the moment put thoughts of Castle out of her mind. She had two and a half more hours to focus on work; then she would focus on her family.

* * *

Walking into the loft that evening, Kate found Alexis in the kitchen with schoolbooks open beside her as she stirred a pot on the stove. On the floor just a few feet away, Lily sat in her walker, babbling to herself as she pressed buttons that made a variety of noises. Kate ditched her work bag, shoes, and jacket by the door and then crouched down on the floor in front of the little girl whose face lit up at the sight of her.

"Hello Lily-Bear, how are you?" she asked sweetly. When she reached out her hand to skim over the child's head, she thought it felt a bit warm. For a better check, she pressed her lips against Lily's forehead, and confirmed she did feel a bit heated. "Are you feeling a little sick sweetheart? Hmm?"

"She had a temp of ninety-nine when I got home, but I thought it was just because she was so worked up. I checked it again about half an hour ago, and it was the same, so maybe she's coming down with something?" Alexis guessed.

Kate stood and nodded to the younger woman. "Maybe. And it might explain her being extra fussy."

"Definitely."

"Where's your father?"

"Office."

"Thanks."

Kate crossed through the apartment and found Castle at his usual spot behind his laptop. From what she'd heard from him, he'd only be dabbling in writing a few scenes or jotting down thoughts. He had yet to write much more than a single page since he'd been back, but no one blamed him. Gina outright said that Black Pawn would give him some time before any real novel process needed to be made, for which they were all very grateful.

She tapped her knuckles against the doorframe as she walked into the room and sighed out, "Hey."

He looked up and smiled. "Hi, how was your day?"

"Uneventful. How about yours?" she asked pointedly; his expression immediately dropped.

"Alexis told you, didn't she?"

She hummed out an affirmative response. "You wanna talk about it?"

He snapped shut the lid of his laptop with a huff. "My failures as a father? Sure, why not?"

Kate crossed the room and leaned her hands against the edge of his desk, staring him down. "Richard Edgar Alexander Rogers Castle you are not a failure as a father. The furthest thing from it!"

Clearly disagreeing, he stared back with equal conviction. "I made my baby scream hysterically."

She threw her hands up dismissively. "Who hasn't? You're telling me that you never had a day like that with Alexis?"

"A day when she screamed so much that she vomited? No."

Kate cringed as that did sound significantly worse than had been explained to her. "She vomited? Alexis didn't tell me that…"

He grumbled and raked his fingers back through his hair before getting up and pacing the area behind his desk. "It's just…I could always calm Alexis down. Sometimes it took longer than others, but today…none of my tricks worked. And she just… I know it's not fair. I know it hasn't yet been two weeks, but I thought we were getting to a good place."

Kate walked over and placed both her hands gently on his forearm. "You are. You really, really are."

He bobbed his head reluctantly. "I know…it's just hard…"

Seeing the pain in his eyes made her heart ache, but she knew he was only reacting so strongly because everything was so new, and there was still so much turmoil because of his missing memories. Giving his arm a reassuring squeeze she said, "You're a good father, Rick. You just had a rough few hours."

"Yeah."

"Next time call me, okay?"

"I…I didn't want you to see me like that." He dropped his chin and gazed up a her with a level of shame that caught her off guard.

Shaking her head with disbelief she responded with, "Like what? Struggling? Struggling as a parent?" When he gave a non-comital shrug as a response, she spoke firmly. "For better or worse, Rick—just because we didn't say the vows doesn't make them true. You think it would change how I felt about you? Because nothing could do that. Nothing."

He lifted his gaze and gave her a half smile. "Thank you. I just…I'll be okay."

As he sounded mostly confident in that statement, she nodded and gave his arm one last pat before taking two steps back. "Okay, well I think Alexis is almost done with dinner. Will you please come and eat with us?"

"Yeah; I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay." She agreed, but as she walked away, she felt an ache in her chest, knowing she had to find some way to reassure him; some way to make him aware that she thought of him no differently because of one difficult afternoon.

* * *

Kate was still in the kitchen finishing up making her lunch for the following day when she heard Castle coming back downstairs. She had been slightly hesitant to let him put Lily to bed solo after the day they had, but he had seemed quite determined, almost as though he needed to do it to prove to himself that he could, so she had decided not to intervene unless necessary. "She went down okay for you?"

He scoffed a little. "Oh yeah now we're thick as thieves."

As she snapped the lid on the Tupperware container holding her salad, she gave him a pointed look. "You should know better than anyone that kids' moods can change just like that—especially babies."

He leaned his forearms against the counter and gave her a small smile. "Oh, I do; I do. Just part of the joys of parenthood."

Kate hummed in acknowledgement and then finished putting the unused ingredients for her lunch back into the refrigerator. After giving the counter a quick wipe down to remove any crumbs, she walked over and stood beside him so she could skim her hand down his back and give it a little scratch. She had definitely missed these little moments the most—the quiet evenings together when they were cleaning up or getting ready for the following day. Some might have said they were mundane, but for someone who had spent the majority of her adult life avoiding deep, serious connections, Kate found some of those little moments to be the most valuable and reaffirming.

As they shared a quiet moment, Kate felt even more confident in the conclusion she had come to while they ate dinner. They were still acclimating to their lives together once more, but how could they fully transition back to where they were if she was back to her old routine of keeping one foot out the door. Or, in this case, one foot out of the bedroom. She was not yet ready for anything sexual between them, but she believed it was definitely time for a step forward in their intimacy, particularly since she believed it would further reaffirm him after the rough afternoon he had.

"So, um, I was thinking—if it's ok with you, I'd like to try to sleep in our bed tonight."

He turned his head and gave her a tentative expression. "Alone?"

She almost laughed at the fact that he clearly feared she was kicking him out of the bedroom. "No."

His chin dropped to his chest with relief. "Oh good, because I don't think my ego could take any more blows today…"

She reached out and cupped his chin so he would look at her. "Hey. Your daughter loves you—she's just not quite aware of it yet."

He hummed, turned his head, and pressed a quick kiss into her palm. Before she could slide away, though, he captured her left hand with both of his and smoothed the pads of his thumbs over the back of it. "As long as I'm kind of having a rough day…can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

He nodded and stared at the back of her hand with a bit too much intensity for half a minute before gazing back up at her. "I suppose I've honestly been afraid to ask, but I know that's no way to go about any of this. I guess with this, just like everything else, I've kind of been ignoring it because I'm afraid to know the answer. Afraid that it'll be just one more than that's changed without me being here. That it'll be one more thing that I feel guilty for…for…"

"Hey." She flipped her hand so she could grab onto his more firmly. "There's no need to feel guilty, Rick. We've already established that you would have been here if you could have been."

He quirked his lips to the side. "Doesn't stop the feelings Beckett."

"Then talk to me about them."

"Well, I've…I've been wondering about your engagement ring. I haven't seen it since I've been back and I'm—I mean, of course you still have it, right?"

Feeling her chest tighten with discomfort she responded a little hurt. "Did you think I would sell it?"

"Of course not!" He insisted. "I just thought maybe you put it away and you…weren't…"

His voice drifted off as she dipped her fingers down into the collar of her button-down and pulled out the chain that had once held her mother's ring, but now held her engagement one. In the immediate aftermath of his disappearance, Kate had dutifully worn the ring on her left hand as both a symbol to herself and others that her fiancé was foremost in her mind and would not be forgotten. As time wore on, wearing the ring became impractical both due to the nature of her job, and because her fingers were slightly swollen due to her pregnancy. That was when she moved the ring to the necklace and only removed it to sleep or bathe.

Holding the ring between her index finger and thumb, she gave him a small smile. "It's been here all along."

Castle instantly looked like a small child being scolded for breaking the fancy ornament he was explicitly told not to touch. "I'm sorry, I…I should have known."

She dropped the necklace back into the open collar of her blouse and shrugged off his apology. "It's okay. I can understand why your mind played you some worse-case-scenarios." Especially considering she had been a bit standoffish physically with him, it made sense he would have jumped to other drastic conclusions.

"So are we…are we engaged or…?"

She stepped up to him and cupped his face once more, brushing her thumbs over the hollows of his cheeks. "Yes. Of course. I…I still want to spend my life with you I'm just…still trying to get over some of my own worst-case-scenarios."

"Me going for groceries and not coming back—sorry. Too soon."

She recoiled at his joke as her heart clutched with fear. That was her precise fear—him leaving the apartment for whatever reason and disappearing without a trace. Worse yet: what if he had Lily with him at the time? If she let herself, that thought would keep her up at nights, drenched in a cold sweat, which was why she couldn't think about it. And why she could not tolerate any jokes about it. "Definitely too soon, Castle."

Before she could move away, he grasped her hand and said imploringly, "You know I'd never-"

"I know."

* * *

Several hours later, after taking her turn in the master bath, Kate changed into the tank top and leggings she used for pajamas and walked out into the bedroom, where her partner waited. He sat up on his side of the bed in the same position he'd been for the prior twenty minutes, watching the end of a Mets game on his tablet.

"They still losing?"

He looked up with a wry smile. "Miserably."

"Great." She responded with sarcasm.

He put the tablet aside as she climbed into bed and situated herself beneath the sheets. Other than when she let her daughter lay on her chest, or that one time she and Alexis had both collapsed from sheer exhaustion after Lily screamed for four straight hours during the night, Kate had not shared a bed with anyone else in almost sixteen months. She was definitely glad to be back beside him, but also accepted that there would probably be an adjustment period when it came to a restful night's sleep.

As Castle settled in as well, she turned to him and expressed her gratitude to him for respecting her position. "Thank you for being patient with me over the past week."

He smiled and stroked his hand down her arm. "Always. I'm very glad to have you back here."

"To be clear I'm just…I'm just trying this out, okay? I still have some early mornings and you're still recovering so-"

"Me? I'm fine."

His caviler attitude annoyed her in that moment, and Kate twisted her body, so she sat on her hip facing him. Staring down at him with a challenging expression she asked, "Are you? Are you fine, Rick? Because I haven't heard too much about how you feel about not remembering the past fifteen months."

He huffed and turned away from her, clearly annoyed. After a moment, he looked back and gave a rather terse shrug. "What's there to say? It's awful. I try to remember, but I can't. I want nothing more than to know what happened, especially since I know how the mystery must be driving you as crazy as it is me, but I can't make myself remember."

"I wasn't suggesting that you could."

"I'm just… I'm trying to make the best of everything. To be my best. For you. For Lily. For everyone."

"Okay." She agreed with the nod of her head. Really, she could not ask him for any more than that. He was trying his best. Considering they both had the same personality trait that craved answers, she could imagine how crazy he was driving himself with wondering, but the stress would not make it any better. If anything, it would make it worse. As long as he was living his best life in the present, she could not ask for much more than that.

Kate turned off the lamp beside her and slid down on the mattress to arrange her head against the pillows. She saw Castle reach out to his own lamp, but before he turned it off he looked back to her and said, "You know I… I realized I never asked why you chose Lily for her name."

"Oh…" She smiled softly. "Lilies were my mother's favorite flower and when I saw it in the name book it just struck me. I don't know that I ever felt terribly strongly about any of the girl's names on my short list, but I did keep coming back to Lily so that's why I picked it."

"Well I love it."

"I'm glad. I'd say I'd let you name the next one but-"

He gasped joyfully. "COSMO!"

"No!" She retorted with a half laugh. They had already been down that road once, and they were not circling back to that fight, though it appeared her partner had other plans since he was still grinning as he turned off the lamp.

"I look forward to arguing with you about this."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm sure you do. Goodnight, Castle."

His hand found hers beneath the covers and he gave it a solid squeeze. "'night Kate."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Standing at the edge of the kitchen, Kate reviewed her mental checklist of things needed to spend the day outside of the apartment with Lily. She had several spare diapers plus wipes, two full changes of clothes, a bib, a few spare soft cloths, several bottles, a container of pureed carrots for lunch, and of course toys. She scanned over the items once more just to make sure nothing was left behind before strategically packing them all into the diaper bag.

Almost the exact moment she finished, Castle emerged from the bedroom, held his arms out wide, and announced, "Let the Family Day celebrations commence!"

When Kate's gaze fell on his chest, she could not help but let out a slight laugh, for beneath his short sleeve plaid button-down, he wore a t-shirt that said "#1 Dad (Times Two)" which she recognized from the pile of belated birthday and Christmas gifts Alexis had presented him. When Kate first saw the shirt, she thought it might be originally meant for the father of twins, but he had been so excited about it, she didn't voice her question aloud so as not to ruin it for him.

"Very nice, babe," she commented as he was clearly displaying the shirt and searching for compliments.

Castle walked over to the little girl who was sitting in her walker, crouched down, and gave her nose a playful poke. "Are you ready for Family Day Lily, huh? Are you ready for the zoo?"

"Hey, how come you're still calling it family day when I can't come along?" Alexis asked as she descended the stairs, backpack on her shoulder. Originally, they were supposed to have their family day the day before, but Lily had still been feeling under the weather and Kate feared she would be too grumpy to really enjoy the day. Thus, they had postponed in the hopes she would wake up that day, Sunday, feeling better. Thankfully she had, so their trip to the zoo was a "go," but that unfortunately meant Alexis could not join them, as her group project meeting had been rescheduled for Sunday brunch.

"I already told you that you could skip your group meeting and come with us, Pumpkin."

She gave him a pointed look. "And you know that I can't do that."

He sighed. "I do. But don't worry—the next time we take Lily to the zoo, you can some with us."

She brushed off his concern. "It's fine—really. I was just teasing you anyway." She walked over to her sister, crouched down, and placed a kiss on her head. "Have fun at the zoo, Lily." Then, when she stood and moved towards the exit, she walked past Kate and said quietly, "You know he's going to be out of control about all this, don't you?"

A knowing smile on her face, Kate responded, "Oh, I'm well aware. Have a good day."

"Can't wait to hear how it goes," Alexis said as she gave Kate a quick hug and then made her way out the door.

Turning back towards the over-excited man now half-laying on the floor in front of his daughter as she reached out for his face and grinned, Kate could not bring herself to be nervous about what antics from the writer she had in store for her in the next few hours. Yes, he was going to be over the top. Yes, it was entirely possible they would reach a point when she wanted to punch him, but she also knew that he was going to give his daughter the best day he possibly could and dedicate himself one hundred and ten percent to their time together and, really, what more could she ask for than that?

"Okay, I'm all packed up here if you're ready…"

Castle chortled with excitement and clambered off the floor. He scooped up Lily, held her against his chest with his left arm and said, "Why yes Mommy we are ready to go see lions, tigers, and bears—oh my!" he added as he grabbed Lily's right arm and flung it out to her side.

"Great." She laughed and shouldered the bag as he secured Lily in her stroller. "Let's hit the road."

* * *

Shortly before two p.m., as the trio exited the zoo, Kate glanced down into the stroller and saw that Lily's eyes were finally closed. It was about time, too, because she was obviously starting to get cranky despite her father's best efforts to keep her alert and entertained. In the end, exhaustion wore out.

Considering they had been at the zoo for nearly four hours Kate was actually impressed by how well Lily did. Beyond impressed, actually. Despite only having a very brief morning nap during their subway ride and subsequent walk to the zoo entrance, Lily had been happy and alert for the first two thirds of their visit. She spent some time riding in her stroller and gazing around, but mostly she was in the arms of her father, soaking in each and every one of his tales.

For the duration of their time together, Kate had never been to the zoo with Castle. They'd talked about going to the Bronx Zoo a few times, but never actually got around to making an official plan to do so. They had been to museums and art galleries together, though, so she had an idea of what kind of stories the writer-by-trade might spin, but absolutely none of her musings came close to the real thing.

To put it simply: watching Castle with his daughter was a kind of magic Kate never though she would experience. At each animal exhibit they would stop and search for the creature if it was not already prominent. He would read her any informational signs available, then name the animal, and tell her a story or two about what he believed that animal's life to be like. With each new stop, Castle enraptured both Lily and Kate with his own form of enchantment.

Because of all his stories, Kate didn't get much of a word in during their morning together—not that she minded. She was all too happy to be a passive observer, watching father and daughter bond. She tended to Lily briefly while Castle used the restroom and comforted her for a few moments after the dark atmosphere of the reptile area unsettled her, but other than that it was a very daddy-daughter centric day and she could not have been happier to be along for the ride.

When it came to his parenting, Kate knew practically from the start that Richard Castle was a one-of-a-kind father. He had raised Alexis into an incredible young woman almost entirely on his own. His big heart and kind soul were obvious when he interacted with victims or victim's families—particularly the younger ones—they met over the course of their investigations. Even before she became pregnant Kate looked forward to watching Castle with their child, and that afternoon she felt even more thankful that he was a part of her life.

Kate felt confident in her love for her partner for many years, but an afternoon like that only reaffirmed the deep feelings of adoration swirling inside her chest. He was an incredible man who she loved very much. No matter what happened in their lives, whether they were together or separated by circumstances beyond their control, that fact would never change. She loved him and the time had come for her to stop holding back even if parts of their future remained uncertain.

"She fell asleep—finally," Castle commented as they walked deeper into Central Park, the cool early fall breeze dancing through their hair.

She gave her partner a playful side-eye. "Yeah? And whose fault is that?"

He pressed his hand flat against his chest, feigning offence. "It's not my problem that she finds me fascinating, Beckett."

"I'm sure."

He hummed and they walked for a few more minutes before he suggested, "Let's walk a little more and then find a place to get a quick bite. How about that little hole-in-the-wall over on Park you like?"

"Oh, no it closed almost a year ago now."

He gazed over her a bit surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah, the owner had some sort of health issue and neither of his kids wanted to take over."

The writer frowned. "Ohh not that great old guy?"

"Yeah."

He huffed out a breath, stopped walking, and turned to face her. "Stuff like this is going to keep happening isn't it?"

"People in their seventies being too sick to work?" she guessed, not sure what he was referring to exactly.

"No—things that happened that I don't know about because they happened when I was gone."

Kate nodded as his comment made much more sense with that kind of context. She continued walking and said a bit sadly, "Oh…yes, I'm afraid so. But its okay—I'll be here to tell you about them." Just as the stepped up on the Gapstow Bridge she gazed over to see his frown had not disappeared, she reached out and stroked her hand down his arm. "Hey, don't get sad. Today is our family day and its been a great one so far."

"Yeah…"

She stopped at the crest of the bridge and forced him to look at her. "No, I'm serious Castle. Today has been more wonderful than I could have imagined, and I can't wait to have so many more days like this one." To further reinforce her sentiments, she rose up on her toes, and pressed a kiss softly on the corner of his mouth.

He gazed at her more than a little shocked and she could not help but feel her cheeks turn a soft pink color. His eyes were searching hers, almost as though he did not believe that she had just kissed him for the first time since his return. If she was forced to put into words why she had chosen that moment, Kate wasn't sure that she could. She had a feeling that their Family Day celebration would end with her kissing him, with her taking that small step back towards full intimacy between them, but as he looked so sad, she thought that moment was much better.

He continued to stare for anther thirty seconds before lowering his chin and giving her a proper kiss, almost as though he had to do it himself to believe it was real. Then he lifted his right hand and brushed his knuckles against the apple of her cheek, sighing out, "I love you, Kate."

She leaned her face against his hand and sighed, "I love you. too." Then, after another moment of gazing at each other adoringly, she linked her arm through his and they continued their walk through Central Park.

* * *

"Well," Kate began just as she saw the clock on the wall turn to seven p.m. She looked over at the father-daughter duo sprawled out on the floor with several dozen toys surrounding them and continued. "I hate to be the party-pooper, but someone needs to get to bed."

"Nooo," the writer whined as his nose wrinkled. "Five more minutes, Mom."

She laughed, slid over to them, and ruffled her fingers playfully through his hair. "No more minutes. To bed, little one."

With a sigh, Castle lifted the baby and handed her over. Kate smiled when Lily smiled at her, kissed her cheek, and then clambered off the floor so the could go upstairs and start getting ready for bed.

By all accounts their family day had been one of absolute perfection. By the time they finished their quick lunch, Lily had woken up and Castle decided their next stop should be to every Manhattan toy store he could conceivably take them to—or so it felt to Kate. Four stores and several purchases later, they returned to their apartment and she began to get dinner ready while he showed Lily all her new toys, some of which she liked far more than others. They switched briefly so Castle could work on preparing their steaks (a task she was not too proud to admit he was far better at), but then continued to play together into the evening.

Once again, Kate fell into the roll of passive observer, but she still couldn't bring herself to be overly bothered by it. Watching the joy etched on her partners face as he played with their daughter made her happier than she ever thought possible. Sitting on the floor of the office beside them as they played and made silly noises, Kate finally accepted the fact that all her prayers had been answered and that Castle had come home to them for good. Yes, the mystery of his time away still remained and maybe they would solve it one day, but maybe they wouldn't. Considering that two weeks had passed, she believed it was safe to conclude they were no longer in imminent danger of him vanishing again at any moment, which meant that she needed to push such thoughts out of her mind and live happily in the moment with her family.

"Oh my goodness." Kate commented when Lily let out a big yawn as Kate changed her into her pajamas. "You had such a big day, Lily; you're going to be such a sleepy girl tonight."

"Here's hoping," Castle commented from the doorway.

Kate hummed in response and then carried Lily over to the rocking chair, lifted up her shirt, and let the girl begin to nurse. "I think this is going to be our last night of this sweetheart," she said with a slight air of sadness. She could tell that her supply was getting lower and lower with each day, and there really was no sense prolonging it if Lily could not get a full belly from their night nursing. Especially not when that make it more challenging for her to sleep through the night.

"And how do you feel about that?" Castle asked softly from where he stood beside the crib.

She looked up at him with a sad smile. "Well, if I let myself, I'd probably cry about it…but it's a good thing. I'm definitely glad I stuck it out as long as I did and I'm lucky that aside from a few foods that triggered her, I didn't have too many dietary restrictions. This being said: Mommy is definitely looking forward to having some delicious wine. Yes, she is," she cooed down at Lily. Then looking back up at Castle she added, "Plus this means you can handle some bedtimes all on your own."

"Well you know I'm more than willing." They remained quiet for a minute before he continued with, "I do have a question, while we're kind of on the subject."

"Oh?"

He took a step towards her, slipped his hands down into his jean pockets, and looked at her a bit tentatively. "I know back…well, I guess almost two years ago now—back when we were planning the wedding. We talked about kids and how you wanted to have one. At least one, I think you said. But then the other night, we were kind of joking around, but you mentioned 'the next one' and I guess I was just wondering if that was actually a joke or…or not."

Her heart fluttered at how sweet and uncertain he was being; it made her love him all the more. "Oh Castle, of course I want to have another baby with you."

A grin crept across his face. "Yeah?"

"Absolutely." Kate gazed lovingly down at the child in her arms and then back up to him. "Everything with Lily was so amazing, incredible, and rewarding, that I would want to do it again even if you'd been here the whole time. But the fact that you weren't here, and you didn't get to experience any of it—of course. _Of course_. I want to have another baby… let's just try to time it so they're not both in diapers at the same time, okay?"

He laughed. "Sounds like a plan."

Castle waited for a few more minutes so Lily could finish nursing and he could take over book-reading duties. As she passed him the baby, he grabbed on to Kate's arm, held her close and said, "Hey. Today was the best day."

She leaned in, gave him a kiss, and said, "I know."

After stepping out into the hall, Kate took a moment to collect herself and think of what needed done next. The playroom was a mess, the kitchen was not in terrible shape though could have used a wipe down, and there was definitely a load or two of laundry that needed done. She decided to throw in laundry before conquering the other two tasks, but paused after just taking one more step, for her eye had caught the open door to the guest room across the hall.

For the prior few nights, Kate had once again been sharing a bed with her fiancé and it had been lovely to go to sleep and wake up beside him (even if his occasional snoring was a bit louder than she remembered it to be). Prolonging their official cohabitation at that point was just silly. They were a family and needed to act as such, so she walked into the guest room and began to collect the remaining items she had left in there, including some clothing, a book she'd started, and a few pairs of earrings deposited on the bedside table.

Ten minutes later, after making one trip down to the bedroom already, Kate emerged from the guest room with a laundry basket piled high with some actual laundry and the remainder of her spare clothing from the drawers in the guest room. Just as she was passing Lily's room, Castle stepped out and nearly bumped into her.

"Oh—sorry. Do you need help with anything?"

She shook her head and gazed at him from around her pile. "No, I'm good; this is the last of it."

"The last of what?"

"Oh, um, all my stuff from the guest room. I'm moving back into our room—officially."

The smile that blossomed across Castle's face made her smile as well. She could see his brain working overtime, determining whether to question this miracle or make a joke about it. In the end, he went with the latter. "You want another kid _and_ you're moving back into the bedroom? I'm never going to get to bed tonight!"

She arched one of her eyebrows in his direction. "Oh yeah? Not even if I told you I'd be there waiting to make out a little bit?"

His body actually levitated with glee as he began moving towards the stairs, "I'll race you there!" he called out and Kate could not help but laugh.

* * *

 **A/N: thanks for reading & reviewing!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Kate awoke with a start in the middle of the night, her shin suddenly aching for no apparent reason. Still half-asleep, she grumbled and reached down to rub the sore spot, still not entirely sure what was going on. Then, after several seconds, she realized: Castle was thrashing around in bed beside her. His legs and arms jerked, his face twitched, and he was vocalizing small sounds that were a mix between whimpers and yelps. Her heart aching for him, Kate rolled onto her side and moved her hand to his arm in hopes of soothing him awake.

Since they began sharing a bed a week earlier, Castle had awoken her twice because of a nightmare he was having. The first time she didn't think much of it, but the second time she asked him if he knew what his nightmare was about. He brushed her off saying that he occasionally had bad dreams about running away from something and he believed it somehow related to the fifteen months he lost. When she expressed her concern and suggested that perhaps it was time to see a therapist, he'd brushed her off with, "I'm fine, Beckett; no need to worry about me." But of course she still worried about him, particularly now as the third nightmare in seven nights seemed to be even more vicious than the others.

She wasn't sure if her hand on his arm was the cause, but after another minute he gasped awake, his chest heaving audibly. "You're okay, Rick; you're safe."

"Wha…I…what time is it?" he panted out.

She looked past him over to the clock on his nightstand and said, "Just after two; you were having a nightmare."

"Oh-oh and I woke you? I'm sorry. Just—just go back to sleep; I'm fine."

"Rick, you were thrashing around and you—god, you're covered in sweat," she pointed out when she moved her hand up his arm to where his neck met his shoulder.

He shook off her concern as he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. From that angle, she could see the darkened fabric trailing down his spine. Before she was able to make a comment about it, he concluded their middle-of-the-night discussion with, "I'm fine—really. Just go back to sleep; you have to be up in a few hours." With that, he got out of bed and shuffled his way to the bathroom.

Naturally. there was no way that Kate could simply go back to sleep with her partner so unsettled. She gave him a few minutes in the bathroom, thinking that she would go in after him if he took too long, but he did not. He emerged, quickly changed shirts with his back facing her, and then returned to bed. As he climbed inside, she reached out for his hand and could instantly tell his fingers were trembling. Though she sensed a larger conversation on the topic was imminent, they did not need to do it at two a.m. What she did need to do, though, was comfort him.

"Rick, come here."

"Hmm?"

"Come here." She requested again, giving his hand a tug to pull him towards her. When he was close enough, she cradled his head and pulled it against her chest. Thankfully, he did not protest and merely curled his body around hers. She carded her fingers through his damp hair with her left hand while wrapping her right across his body and saying, "Just relax; you're okay," though she very much doubted that he was.

* * *

"Good morning Twelfth Precinct! Have ya missed me?"

At the sound of Castle's voice, Kate turned around to see him approaching from the elevator with an ear-to-ear grin spread across his face. In each of his hands he held a cardboard carrier with four take-away coffee cups, which meant he'd brought caffeine for more than just the two of them. Considering her paperwork-filled morning was dragging on quite slowly, she was not going to turn down "real" coffee now that she could finally partake, but his presence there did concern her, as it seemed to be a continuation down the path she was concerned might become destructive or detrimental.

A few days earlier, on Sunday, Kate had gathered Alexis and Martha to have brunch at the loft, when in reality the purpose of their visit was to have an intervention of sorts with the man they loved. When extending the invitation to the other Castle women, Kate stressed that she did not want it to seem like they were ambushing him, or that they were forcing him into doing something he did not want to do. She knew that would upset him and put him in a defensive mode. However, his rough dreams were becoming a nightly occurrence, and she truly believed that speaking with a therapist was the best way for him to handle them. Therapy had, after all, worked for the problems she had.

Though she could have predicted the result, Kate was nevertheless disappointed when Castle did not seem at all receptive to their suggestions. He insisted that he was fine no less than a dozen times during their conversation. He was clearly getting annoyed with them, but when his mother said, "We love you so much Darling, and we're so glad that you're back; we just want to make sure you're doing your best now that you're here," he did soften slightly. He promised them that he had no issue with therapy and would absolutely go if he thought he needed it, but he didn't because, "everyone has bad dreams sometimes."

At his request, they dropped the issue, though Kate believed the overall discussion was far from over—particularly if his nightmares continued to be as aggressive as they were. In the next few days, Castle went out of his way to display a sense of normalcy, almost to the point of slapstick comedy. He cleaned the apartment, he made dinner, he made a huge display of writing out four whole pages for Nikki Heat's next adventure. The day before he had even watched Lily by himself for the first time since his return and touted that day's success as cold-hard proof that everything was back to normal. Now it appeared he was continuing that trend by showing up at the precinct while Alexis babysat her sister for the day.

When she finished typing the sentence she was in the middle of, Kate stood from her desk and walked over to the cluster of uniformed men and women who were greeting her fiancé with well wishes and pats on the back. That was technically the second time he had visited the Twelfth since his return. The first time had been the prior week when he and Alexis showed up with Lily. His spur-of-the-moment visit had unfortunately had bad timing since most of the detectives and senior officers were out at a department seminar, but of course Kate always appreciated a visit from her daughter and neither Ryan nor Esposito seemed to mind, either.

"So how've you been, Castle? You've been back about a month, right?" she heard LT ask him.

"Ah, almost. Sunday will be four weeks, but it's going well. I'm back to writing and taking care of our daughter so it's…it's good." He concluded while smiling at Kate. LT then welcomed him back kindly before thanking him for the coffee and walking away.

Castle nodded towards the cardboard holder in his left hand and said, "Yours is the one by my thumb; has your name on it."

"Thanks." She picked up the cup, took a sip, and hummed with delight; she had definitely missed her caffeine-filled vanilla lattes. "What brings you here?"

"Well I was working on some stuff for Nikki Heat and then I thought…you know, I could go for some inspiration."

She could not help but smile at his attempt to flatter her. "Very sweet, Castle, but I don't really go out in the field anymore. This being said, Ryan and Espo are in the middle of a case."

"Excellent!" He deposited the remainder of the coffee cups on a spare desk and walked over to his old friends to say hello. "So I hear you guys could use my help on a case."

"Says who? The voices in your head?" Esposito replied and Kate could not help but chuckle inwardly.

"C'mon—you can help a guy out, right? Get some of my creative juices flowing."

"Sure Castle—I'll tell you about the case while we put together the murder board, then we'll go out for a little canvassing. As long as that's ok with you Serge?"

She did not even need to see Castle's imploring expression to agree. "I don't think he'd ever let me hear the end of it if I said no."

Castle cheered, punched the air with delight, and then called out, "Thanks honey!" before trotting after Ryan like the loyalist of puppy dogs.

* * *

"Oh good—you haven't left yet."

Kate had just been ready to reach for her purse and began packing up from the day when Ryan approached her desk with a tentative expression on his face. Esposito stood a few feet behind him, his expression a bit mysterious, but if Kate had to guess, he looked a bit concerned. She had not heard from the duo since they left with Castle several hours earlier so immediately she thought of the worst. "Oh god—what did he do?" she asked, thinking the overzealous writer went full scale "Castle mode" on his first day back and tainted evidence or a crime scene or just generally made a nuisance of himself.

"No, it's not—he didn't do anything, exactly. It's just…" Ryan looked back at Esposito cautiously and so the other man stepped up.

"Your boy…he, uh, doing okay at home?"

Her gaze shifted between the two detectives and immediately her heart rate spiked. "Why…"

"Because he lost his shit in the field today."

"Lost his shit how?" she asked them.

"Well, we went to the bank to see if they could provide security cam footage for that ATM we thought faced the crime scene, and they did. Turns out, there was a man at the ATM right in our TOD window, so we called in a warrant to get his information so we could see if he saw anything, right? Guess…guess maybe we should have been a bit more suspicious of the guy using an ATM at three a.m., but he had no priors so we thought it would be fine to bring Castle with us."

"And?" she prompted at Ryan's hesitation.

"Dude took one look at us through the peep hole and decided to go Rambo on our asses. He came barreling out of there with a carving knife and a screw driver. Took both us of to get him down. And then, once we had him in cuffs…" Esposito looked over at Ryan so he would finish the tale.

"Castle was a few feet away, cowering in an apartment doorway. His hands were up over his face and it looked like…it looked like he was crying." Ryan concluded sadly. Kate's heart immediately sank. "He…we asked him what was wrong and he recovered quickly. He said he was fine and that we shouldn't tell you what happened, but…"

"That dude is not fine." Espo concluded. "Not saying it's his fault—he probably saw some terrible shit. Or maybe terrible shit happened to him. Could be PTSD—I don't know. All I know is that wasn't Richard Castle."

Kate dropped her chin to her chest and covered her belly with the flat of her palm when her stomach rolled uncomfortably. "I…I know. He…he's been having nightmares—really, really vicious nightmares when he wakes up covered in sweat and crying out. We've all suggested he talk to someone, but he just shuts us down and says he's fine. I…I don't really know what to do."

Ryan's forehead wrinkled with concern. "And he still insists he doesn't remember anything that happened to him?"

"No. The only thing he says is that he remembers running, but that doesn't mean much."

"You ask me…I think he saw some shit."

Kate looked at Espo with a wrinkled brow. "What like…like he was at war?"

Esposito shrugged. "I don't know. Fifteen months is a really long time, but to have a reaction like that? Had to be something real, real serious."

Kate nodded as it was precisely what she was afraid of. "Well I really appreciate you both telling me. You don't by chance have any ideas on how I could get him to therapy."

"Sorry, but you know better than anyone: even if you forced him to go, if he didn't want to be there, it wouldn't do him any good."

"Right." Kate commented. Then, she thanked them both again, before continuing to pack up for the day, for once not looking forward to going home.

* * *

When she arrived home that evening Kate was glad to run into Alexis taking out the garbage, so they could have an opportunity to speak without Castle overhearing. She asked the young woman whether or not her father seemed upset or anxious, but Alexis insisted that he had seemed fine since arriving home and was playing with Lily at that moment. While she was glad he didn't have any lingering effects (or perhaps he'd simply grown accustomed to hiding them), that did not remove that day's incident from her mind.

After changing into more casual clothes Kate walked into the office to find Lily on her tummy in front of a small mirror with Castle sitting beside her, running his hand up and down her back as she gurgled at her reflection. "Hey."

"Hey." He echoed.

"Find any inspiration while out with Ryan and Espo today?"

"Um, yeah. Maybe a little. I was glad to be part of an arrest again."

"Yeah…they told me that guy was pretty crazy. Guess his apartment was full of drugs."

"Which explains why he was at an ATM in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, it was not at all related to the murder victim."

"Right." Kate sighed. She did not want to betray Ryan and Esposito's promise, but at the same time she truly felt like such an incident needed address. It was clear the writer was not going to give it up on his own, so she decided on a little white lie to help nudge him along. "Hey, guess who I ran into today?"

"Who's that?"

"Dr. Burke. He, ah, he was at the Twelfth on other business and came to say hi. You know I…I think he'd totally be willing to talk to you about your time away or about the nightmares you've been having."

An annoyed expression crossed the writer's face and he said for the millionth time, "I'm fine, Kate."

Kate pressed her lips together tightly and thought about her response carefully. While she had not actually run into Burke that day, she had called him earlier that week to see if he would be willing to take Castle on as a patient. During that call she had expressed her partners hesitance and Burke agreed he would be willing to see Castle whenever he was ready. She had not been sure how she was going to use that piece of information, but that moment seemed as good as any.

"The thing is, Rick—I'm not sure that you are. If you're having nightmares that are upsetting your daily life-"

"They're not!"

She slid over and closed her hand around his arm. "I'm just concerned because I love you. You're taking care of Lily now and-"

"And what? You think I'm dangerous?" he challenged with a narrow eyes.

"Don't put words in my mouth, Rick. I didn't say that—I wouldn't. I just want you to be in a good place."

"I am." He insisted. "Lily and I did great yesterday and we're going to do great tomorrow. That's where my focus is right now: on her; on our family."

"I know that, but there's nothing wrong with focusing on yourself, too. We don't know what happened to you while you were gone. If it was traumatic, then you need to-"

"Kate I'm fine. Honestly—today's the best day I've had in a while. But I…you know what? You are right about one thing. We need to focus on all of us, which means you and me as well. We should go on a date."

"I…oh…okay." She stammered a bit, feeling caught off guard by the left-turn their conversation took.

He smiled, though the expression felt a little forced. "Great—that's great. Tomorrow then?"

"You mean…after we put Lily to bed? Do you want to go out to a movie or…"

"No…hmm, sorry I forgot about how late you get home on Fridays."

"That's okay we can-"

"No, I know—how about Saturday; we'll spend the afternoon together. I'm sure between Alexis, my mother, and your father someone will be available to watch the munchkin. What do you say?"

She nodded, agreeing to the date in hopes some one-on-one time them could be both relaxing and perhaps provide him opportunity to open up. "Um, yeah. Sure. Did you have something specific in mind?"

He winked. "Maybe I want it to be a surprise."

"Okay," she laughed. "Saturday; it's a date."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"So you're not going to tell me anything about this date, huh?" Kate asked as she watched him clean up after their daughter's slightly messy lunch. She held the girl at her hip, intending on rocking her to sleep for an early afternoon nap so she would be good for her grandmother and sister, who would be watching her.

He turned his head just long enough to wink at her and then went back to his cleaning. "To tell you would ruin the 'surprise' part Beckett."

"Well can you at least give me a hint? I need to know what to wear."

He walked over to the sink to rinse out the sponge he was using and gave a shrug. "Um…nice casual like jeans and a nice top, I guess. It's nothing too fancy, I promise."

"And we'll be gone…through dinner?"

"Yeah probably. We'll see how the day goes, but let's plan on that."

She stroked her hand down Lily's leg and agreed. "Okay…"

Picking up on the uncertainty in her tone, he leaned against the counter and gave her a half playful expression. "You trust me don't you, Beckett?"

In that moment, trust was not the issue, but the wisdom of experience. She knew all too well how his surprises could go off the rails. Granted, the good surprises far outweighed the bad, but given the odd mood he was in as of late, she felt her concern was justified. "Of course I trust you, but the more cryptic you are it worries me."

He merely chuckled. "No worry needed. It's going to be a good day."

She nodded in agreement and then moved towards the stairs so she could change Lily's shirt before putting her down for a nap. "What do you think, baby girl? Did Daddy tell you about our date, hmm?" she asked sweetly. Lilly smiled and reached up her pudgy hand towards her mother's mouth. Kate kissed her little knuckles and held the girl a bit closer. "I bet he did, but you're not going to spill Daddy's secrets, are you? Not quite yet, hmm?"

Once they reached Lily's room, the girl began to fuss when her mother changed her shirt. Kate tried to hush her, but for whatever reasons she grew progressively more upset until Kate sat with her in the rocker and held her close against her chest. She stroked her hands soothingly down Lily's back until her cries quieted and she began to drift off to sleep. As she rocked, Kate could not help but half a split focus: half on her daughter, and the other half wondering what exactly the afternoon had in store.

"Okay, um…yes—yes, this is it."

When Castle tugged on her hand and pulled her into the lobby of a hotel several blocks from their apartment, Kate felt confused, but tried to reserve judgement. Ever since departing from the loft he had been acting…well, for lack of a better term, odd. He had been so chipper all morning, she had expected that attitude to last, but about a block away from their building his mood changed. It was almost as though he was paranoid or unsettled about something, but she could not figure out what.

As they entered the lobby, Kate half expected him to take her to the bar or perhaps a lounge where they would get a drink and talk. What she did not expect was for him to begin walking towards the check-in area. As they got in line behind an older couple who each had carry-on bags with them, she could not help but ask, "Castle what are we doing?"

"Just trust me, okay?" He muttered to her. Then, when the older couple departed, he stepped up to the desk, and spoke to the man behind the desk. "I'd like a room, please."

"Of course, sir. How many nights will you be staying with us?"

"Just…just the one."

"Very good, sir. And what is the name? Have you stayed with us before?"

"Ah…" Castle hedged and dropped her hand so that he could retrieve the wallet in his back pocket. "Could you please tell me the room rate?"

"Yes, three fifty-nine is the nightly rate for our standard rooms. Or are you interested in a suite?"

"No, no—a standard room is fine. And ah…" He paused to dig into his wallet. From it he procured a stack of hundred-dollar bills, which he fanned out onto the desk. "It'll tell you what. We'll take a standard room for our night. Why don't you hang on to my six friends here and we'll forget about that whole…name situation?"

Kate's jaw fell open as she watched Castle make the strange deal; she truly had no idea what sort of game he was playing at.

The hotelier looked between Castle and the pile of money for several moments before snatching them up and concluding, "Very good, Mr. Smith. Just give me one moment and I'll get a key card for you. You'll be in room 1258."

Castle nodded as he put his wallet back into his pocket. "Thank you."

In that moment, Kate wanted nothing more than to grab him by the ear and demand an explanation, but she knew she could not do so in such a public space. Instead, she had to hope that once they were behind the closed door to their hotel room he would provide some sort of explanation as to why it appeared he had suddenly lost his mind.

As he handed over the room key, the man behind the counter gave Kate a look that made her skin crawl. Great—in addition to his obvious madness, Castle had inadvertently made it seem like she was a call girl!

As they boarded the elevator, she gave him a "What the hell are you doing" look with he answered with a hushed, "Trust me." Then, he grabbed her hand once more as they ascended to the twelfth floor.

Castle unlocked the room efficiently and walked inside the space as though they'd been planning on renting a hotel room all along. He stood between the chest of drawers and the king-sized bed and removed his watch, belt, and shoes. Then, he walked back towards where Kate stood just inside the door. He took her purse, put it on the TV cabinet beside his watch, and then returned to the bathroom. He looked around the space for a moment and then turned on both the hot and cold handles on the sink faucet. He also reached into the shower and cranked it on before turning around, reaching out for Kate, and pulling her into the bathroom.

Now convinced that he had actually had some sort of mental breakdown, she demanded, "Castle, what the hell is going on? What are we doing here? What is-"

"Kate." He hushed her just as he shut the bathroom doors behind them. "I remember. I know where I was for fifteen months."

She was so startled by this revelation that she actually took half a step back from him. "What? Since when?"

He shook his head and leaned his hand against the bathroom counter. "It's been coming back in flashes for a little while now. It's not… I don't think I have all of it, but enough to put the pieces together."

"So where were you?"

"I was a prisoner."

Her jaw opened but instead of a word, only a croaking noise came out. "Wh…ah…"

At her notable shock, he gave a sheepish little shrug. "It's a long, complicated story."

Kate raked her fingers over her face, trying to accept that she was not dreaming and that her fiancé had been a prisoner for almost a year and a half, but it was definitely a struggle. "Well, um, I guess start with who was holding you prisoner?"

"It…that part I'm a bit fuzzy on, to be honest. I know it was overseas somewhere. Asia, maybe? All I know for sure is that it had something to do with the CIA, because they're the ones that rescued me."

Kate's eyes flared wide as a distinct bullet point in her Richard-Castle-is-Missing file popped into her mind. "Your father?" Jackson Hunt had been on her admittedly long list of potential suspects from the very beginning, but due to his inaccessibility she had not been able to fully instigate him.

Castle shook his head. "No, no I don't think so. Whatever happened to me, they—the CIA—wanted me to forget so I couldn't…I don't know? Talk about what happened, but I guess whatever they did, didn't really work or didn't fully work. I started having nightmares right away, but it was all blurry and vague. Then suddenly it got much clearer and I… the thing is, Kate—I think knowing is dangerous."

She felt a cold sweat break out onto her brow as the image of her smiling daughter popped into her mind. "We're in danger?"

"No—not as long as they think I don't know. I mean…I—I don't know." He scrubbed his hands across her face and then gave her a bit of a desperate look. "I honestly have no idea since I can't remember all of it. I just know that I can't keep this from you. I don't want to keep any of this from you—not after everything we've gone through."

She gave a small smile at his sentiments, but then the hiss of water from the shower drew her attention back to the present state. "But…why are we here."

"Oh—I assume the loft is bugged," he said just as causally as if someone had asked him that day's weather.

"Bugged?!"

He shrugged. "It's the CIA, Kate—they could totally bug the loft. Or tap into Lily's baby monitor feed—I don't know."

Struggling to process all the new and insane information, Kate pinched the bridge of her nose and said, "Okay, wait, slow down—start from the beginning. Start from what happened the day we were supposed to get married."

He nodded and leaned his lower back against the counter. "Well, I remember being on the phone with you and then…the next thing I knew my car was wrecked and I was being pulled into a black SUV by men in suits. I was fighting them, telling them I had to get married, that I had to get to you, but they weren't hearing it. They just said something about national security and then I passed out. They may have given me a sedative or something…"

"The next part is pretty fuzzy, but the reason the CIA took me was that they needed me for a deal they were doing with a guy who was defecting over to the United States from some foreign country."

"But…why would they need you for that?" Kate asked.

"Because I knew him. Kind of. Evidently, we were classmates in one of my boarding schools. I don't really remember the guy, but he remembered me. He wanted me to be there as proof there wasn't going to be a double cross or something—like I said, it's fuzzy. The thing is: the whole deal went south. We were ambushed, the defector was killed, and I had to run for my life. I think that moment is why I've been having nightmares about running. I was running and then I got shot; that's how they got me."

"Wha—Castle! You were shot?!" she demanded, horrified.

He nodded and patted the area above his left hip. It wasn't bad, mostly a flesh wound, but I couldn't escape and that's when they took me and—what are you doing?" he asked when her fingers began clawing at his shirt.

"I want to see," she replied. It wasn't until that moment that she fully realized she had not seen him naked since his return. Since he hadn't seen her fully naked in that time either, she didn't think much of it, but in that moment she thought back to how he purposely changed his clothes in the bathroom and always made sure he was fully dressed after a shower, or wearing a robe when he got out of bed. She never questioned it and cursed herself for not wondering why.

She only had to unbutton the bottom few buttons on his shirt to be able to pull it aside and see the bullet wound scar. Unlike the knot between her breasts, this one looked more like an angry check mark on the very edge of his flesh. She covered it with her hand and gazed up to him, now more horrified for his time away than ever. "Oh, Castle."

He gave her a fractured smile. "Don't worry, it didn't hurt that bad. At least, not compared to…well, anyway, that's about the gist of what I remember, anyway. I was held captive for maybe a little more than a year. It was in a dark, wet cell. I remember being hot, cold, exhausted, starved…but really, it's just a giant blur, which I suppose isn't a bad thing. I don't even remember being rescued; I only remember waking up in a hospital and asking for you."

She smiled, remembering that day well. "And I was right out in the hall waiting for you."

"No, no—not that day; not in Connecticut. I was at a CIA hospital somewhere else when I first woke up. I think…I think the CIA had me for…I don't know. At least six weeks…maybe eight or ten before they let me be found in that dinghy in Connecticut."

Anger flared inside Kate's chest. "What? Why?"

"Because I was emaciated. I'd been barely kept alive in that prison and if they'd let me come back here in that state there would have been questions."

"God, Castle." She sighed out, her heart aching for him. She reached out and stroked her hand across his face for a moment and then threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight hug. "I'm so, so sorry all that happened to you."

He pulled her in tight and buried his face into the crook of her neck but said nothing. Kate meanwhile processed all the information she had been given. God, no wonder he had been having nightmares! He'd been kidnapped from their wedding day, shot, held captive, and god only knew what else. She could not even begin to imagine what it was like for him to be held in a cramped cell for over a years' time. What a horrific fate. She could only imagine he was—

"Wait." She said aloud when one of his comments processed in her mind. She pulled back and stared at him. "You said that being shot didn't hurt compared to… compared to what, Rick? What did they do to you?"

"Just…things."

"What things? Torture things?" she asked. After ten seconds, he nodded reluctantly. "Like what?"

He stared at her for several seconds, almost pleading with her to give him a reprieve, but she did not back down. If he was telling her what happened, she wanted to hear all of it—every single thing he remembered. Finally, he relented, and with notable reluctance he began to unzip his jeans. He let them fall to the ground and then while rotating around, he pushed his boxers down as well. When he held up the tails of his shirt to show her his buttocks, she gasped audibly.

"God! Castle!"

He dropped his shirt once again to hide the marks across his backside that appeared to have come from a whip or some other flogging implement. Turning back to face her, he said very guiltily. "It's…it's one of the reasons I haven't really brought up having sex, because I knew that you'd see and you'd ask, and until a few days ago I didn't really have an explanation."

Horrorstruck, she covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head. "I…I don't understand. When I spoke to that doctor when they found you, he said that dehydration was your only physical problem."

"Well they probably didn't take a close look at my ass." He replied. Then he shrugged. "Besides, if the marks weren't fresh, maybe they wouldn't have questioned it. They didn't question this," he added, pointing to the bullet wound.

"I guess, but those marks are—wait." She stopped herself short when something else caught her eye. She lifted up the front edge of his shirt to examine his groin and noticed some horizontal marks on his upper thighs and around his hipbone. They looked almost too controlled to be marks from a whipping, plus they were short and not long strokes. Looking back up to him she asked, "What's this?"

"I…" He visibly shuddered and Kate felt her gut clench in fear for what he would say. "I…I'm not entirely sure. I just remember pain. Lots and lots of pain. Like fire under my skin."

"God, Rick. What…what else?"

He slowly bent down to pull his boxers and jeans back into place. As he fastened the pants, he said, "The bottom of my feet. You can't see it too much, but they were burned. That's…that's what they did. They whipped me so I couldn't sit, cut me so laying on my stomach hurt, and burned my feet so I couldn't stand either."

Unable to fathom such horrors against the man she loved so dearly, Kate merely croaked out, "Oh Castle," as the tears began to fall down her cheeks.

He looked slightly alarmed and pulled her into his body, kissing her head and holding her close. "I'm sorry—I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, not it's not… I'm so glad you told me, I just can't believe all these terrible things that you went to and I…I just…" She buried her face against her chest, unable to verbalize what she was feeling, how much she wished he had not had to suffer, yet at the same time feeling oddly relieved, because as terrible—and unbelievable—as his tale was, at least it was the answer they had been searching for.

They held each other tight for a few minutes before Kate pulled back and reached for some tissues out of the box on the bathroom counter. "So, um, does this mean you remember what they did to you to try and remove these memories?"

He wrinkled his brow. "Kind of. I remember… I remember them coming to me. I don't remember the reasoning—I assume some sort of national security situation—but I remember them telling me they were going to remove the memories and I…I remember being hysterical. I re-remember…" He sniffled and rubbed beneath his nose with the back of his hand. "I begged them and pleaded with them not to do it. I was afraid they'd go too far and take too much. I was so afraid that I'd forget you, or some part of you—any of you would have been too much. I couldn't stand it—the thought of ruining what we had when I was so close to having you back. Just picking up anyone's phone I could have talked to you in less than a minute and I was so, so afraid they would have taken that from me and then I would never ha-have forgiven my-myself."

"Oh Rick no. No, no, no." She cradled his face and brushed away his tears with her thumbs. "Nothing is ruined. We're here together Rick; we're right here."

"I know, I know. I was just so scared. I…I think that's how I was able to remember, because I fought it. I held on to all those memories of you so tightly that they couldn't remove what they wanted to. At least…that's kind of my theory," he added, his tone a bit lighter.

"Sounds plausible to me. God, I just can't even imagine everything that's happened to you." She leaned in and pressed her forehead against his and then felt his hands circle her waist.

"I know it's… even I haven't processed it all yet, but it is a bit like remembering a dream. It happened to me, but yet I still feel a bit disconnected from it. At least…I do until I catch a glimpse of my ass in the mirror."

"God." She half-laughed, half-sighed out. How terrifying for him it must have been those first few weeks when he had such vicious marks on his body that he didn't remember at all. She could not imagine living with that level of terror. In fact, knowing that he had and yet still managed to stay mostly sane made her love him even more. He truly was an incredible man. "I, um…do we have to keep standing in this bathroom with all the water running."

"Oh, um." He quickly rubbed his fingers across his cheeks to remove the stray tears and then reached for the handles on the bathroom faucet. "I guess not—I was just being overly cautious."

As he turned off the shower as well, she asked, "So you really think the loft is bugged."

He shrugged. "Honestly? I don't know. It's certainly possible. It's also possible that whatever I might have observed or heard is so low-level that they don't even care if I remember it…but then if that was the case, why would they wipe my memory?"

"Right."

"If there is something they don't want me to remember, and they've bugged the loft to make sure I stay in the dark, I have no way of knowing what they'll do to me, or to us, if they find out I am remembering. If that's the case, there's no way I could risk putting you, Lily, or Alexis in danger, but at the same time…" He reached out to cup her jaw and gently brush his thumb against her cheek. "I know you've been frustrated with me because I won't go and talk to Burke or anyone else. You had to know why. I don't want to keep anything from you—I never did. I just…I was trying to see how much of it I would remember before I told you any of it in hopes I'd have a cohesive story."

She nodded slowly; she understood his reasoning and appreciated the fact that he wanted to be honest with her in every way he could. Still, complications remained. "Okay…so you definitely can't talk to Burke about this; I get that. But…but what happens when we leave here? Do we just never talk about it again?"

He shrugged. "I…I don't really know that we can."

"But what about your nightmares? It feels like they're getting worse, and I-"

"Actually," he chimed in, his expression a bit hopeful, "I was hoping telling you the truth might stop them since I, you know, let it all out. I've been stressing myself out, trying to remember everything while also not writing anything down or making notes about it just in case I'm being watched. Plus, I wanted the whole story and it came back in disjoined chunks. On top of that, I've been worried about telling you while at the same time protecting you. Now that you know I'm hoping that'll be enough for me to start…moving on."

"And if it's not?" she responded. He said nothing, so she continued with, "Castle, Kevin told me what happened when you went out with them. They think you reacted like you have PTSD."

He bobbed his head. "That's what it felt like. I didn't remember it until that moment, but when that lunatic rushed Ryan and Espo, it reminded me of how they used to come in my cell, yelling and screaming, hitting me with things. I guess…I guess they did it to disorient me or something so I wouldn't attack them but I…I never thought about doing that. I knew…I knew I'd never escape."

"Rick." She sighed and stepped up to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders once again.

"I know—I know what you're thinking. PTSD is serious and it needs addressed. I—I already found some books on it at the library and I'm going to go read them next week. I think it'll help; it has to help."

Kate turned her head and placed a long kiss against his cheek, holding his body close to hers. She felt sick, absolutely sick, about everything he had experienced and the fact that he could not even seek out proper care so that he could heal because of what sounded like a very legitimate concern about what the CIA might do to them. It was like he was being punished twice, and she hated it, yet what other choice did she have if they were to be kept safe?

"Oh Castle…" She cradled his face with her hands and stared into the blue eyes that still had so much joy despite the horrors he'd seen. "I… I hate to even ask this but: why do you think those men let you live in captivity if they just wanted to torture you?"

He shook his head. "I wondered that as well, but I don't want to question it. I'd suffer through it all again to get back home to my family."

Not knowing what else to say, she kissed him, and then held him tight, never more thankful that he had found his way home than she was in that exact moment.

* * *

 **A/N** : thank you for reading

reminder: there is 1 more chapter + the epilogue


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Standing in front of the open refrigerator door, Kate gently chewed on the end of her pen while surveying the shelves to see what was needed during their next grocery trip. The orange juice was nearly empty, and she only had a few more yogurt containers left. And mustard—Castle had finished the last of her favorite mustard the day before.

She stepped away from the fridge, jotted those three items down on the notepad she held in her hand, and walked back over to the counter where her tablet sat open. She scanned over the two recipes she's pulled up for the next few nights' dinner and wrote down the key ingredients for them as well. Though she would have once found the feeling laughable, Kate found herself enjoying domesticity more and more. True, some tasks annoyed her, and she would night put up a fight if Castle offered to be the one to do the grocery shopping, but she liked the idea of organizing her week and picking out meals, especially since the more time passed, the more she could do so with Lily in mind. She doubted she would ever enjoy the task of cooking more than her partner, but she had certainly come a long way from her single days when she would prepare a meal at home once a week—if that often.

"You know, I'm not so sure about that new box of diapers."

Kate looked over to where Castle was coming down the stairs carrying the baby in his left arm. He had just taken her upstairs to deal with a "blowout" situation that Lily had seemed to find hilarious; her parents did not agree. "Well, we needed them and they were out of every other kind but the store brand."

He shook his head. "It's not that. Maybe these run smaller or something? I know they're supposed to be the same size, but they just seem to be really tight across her thighs. I think it might be time to try the next size up."

Kate nodded and gestured to him with her pen. "I will add it to the list."

He walked over and peered over her shoulder. "How much stuff are you gonna make me get tomorrow?"

"It's not that much…or do you want me to order it of delivery instead?"

"But if we get it delivered, I don't get to make any impulse buys."

She nodded knowingly, as they'd had that conversation before—several times. "I know, babe, but then you gotta get everything on the list."

He shrugged. "We'll make it work. Won't we Lily? Yes we will." He cooed to his daughter as he carried her into the other room. Kate smiled as she watched them go, not sure which of them would be more excited to spend the day with the other.

A little more than a week had passed since Castle had revealed to her all that he remembered of his time away from them and things between them were definitely better, though in some ways also more challenging. Overall, Castle's mood seemed better—lighter—and she could never be sad about that. He seemed more relaxed and had only had one nightmare, which was an amazing improvement. Despite these positives, there were times she felt so frustrated she thought she just might explode.

Never before in her life had Kate experienced a situation where she could not speak about a certain topic. Sure, she kept secrets plenty of times, but most were not even close to being the same magnitude of what Castle had shared with her. Besides, during all prior times, she could at least discuss the secret issue with the person requesting she keep it to herself. This time she and Castle could speak about none of it—ever.

Seeing as she had taken in a lot of information during their time in that hotel room, it took Kate several days to really wrap her head all that he had said. As it slowly sunk in, Kate felt a range of emotions from anger to sorrow to fear. His tale had been heart wrenching for sure, particularly the details about all that he suffered through at the hands of his captors, but even though the semblance of closure brought relief, she still felt the urge to ask dozens more questions.

At first Kate thought she could use her work computer to map out all that he'd said, create some semblance of a timeline, and start to fill in the information from there, but just as she was about to begin building the document, she thought better of it. Castle remained convinced that the loft was being spied on by the CIA. Did it then not stand to reason that the CIA could have been looking into her as well? On the off chance that was the case, she had no idea what the CIA would do to her or Castle if they found out and Lily's safety was not worth the risk. She needed her family to stay together above all else.

They were being as safe say they could—not speaking about any of it at the loft, not even in code. At Castle's suggestion, she even continued to harp on him about seeing a therapist. He suggested they keep up that ruse for at least another few weeks until it would be clear to anyone listening that she had given up more from lack of results than because she'd learned something she should not have.

Frustrating as it was, Kate tried to remind herself every day that while they might never know all the details the answer to the mystery of where Castle had been for fifteen months had been solved. She would probably never know who took him, why he wasn't found sooner, or what exactly the CIA had done to his brain to remove some of those memories, but she had him, and that was the most important thing. She had her family and for that she was thankful every day.

With the grocery list now complete, Kate wandered into the office to see what Castle and Lily were up to. She hovered in the doorway, watching as Castle lay on his stomach in front of his daughter, who sat up as she played with a variety of toys. She'd put one in her mouth, gnaw on it for a minute, and then pick up another and repeat the pattern. Once she dropped one of the plastic toys in just the right way so that it landed on a pile of other toys. This action resulted in one of the small plastic cups popping up and hitting her on the arm. Kate doubted it hurt very much, mostly likely it startled her, but whatever the case, Lily instantly burst into tears.

Kate instinctually stepped forward to intervene, but as Castle was closer, he beat her to it. "Oh, sweetheart, you're okay," he said melodically as he popped up off his stomach and brought her into his arms. She continued to cry so he stood up, brought her in to his chest, and began bouncing as he walked around the room. As he did this, he made hushing noises and steadily stroked her back. After one lap around the room, her cries quieted to whimpers, so he pressed his lips against her temple and said, "You're okay. That little cup didn't hurt you. Daddy's got you and you're okay."

Just as he turned to make another lap around the room, Kate watched Lily snuggle her head into the crook of his neck and felt tears prick her eyes. God, she loved this incredible man and little girl so much her chest ached. They were her family her wonderful, incredible family. In that moment, she felt a sense of calm wash over her. She might not have been able to control the past, or the future, but she could control the present. This was her family—this was her life—and she needed to start living it to the fullest.

Stepping forward, Kate reached out and stroked her hand down Lily's back. Lily turned and looked at her for a moment before yawning and rubbing her pudgy fist against her eye. "Uh oh, I think someone's getting sleepy."

"Definitely," Castle agreed. "You want to put her down while I finish up the laundry?"

"Sure. C'mon sweetheart; time for bed." Kate reached out and pulled Lily into her arms. She cradled her close, stopped off in the kitchen to grab a bottle, and then headed upstairs to get her daughter ready for bed.

* * *

Forty minutes later Kate returned to find Castle sitting on the couch folding and sorting their laundry load of towels. He smiled and moved the basket to the coffee table to give her room to sit beside him. "She fall asleep?"

"Yeah…she fought it a little bit tonight, but I think she's out now."

"Good. So…movie? Or I think there might be a Yankees game on if you want to suffer through it," he added with a wink.

"As fun as that sounds, I had something else in mind."

"Oh?"

She dumped the pile of unfolded towels back into the laundry bin, pulled the half-folded washcloth out of his hand, and dropped that in the bin as well. Then, she grabbed his hand and tugged him off the couch. He looked a bit confused for several moments until her path to the bedroom was clear. Then, a small smile crept across his face. "Are…are you sure you're ready for this, Kate?"

She turned around so that she was walking backwards as she led the way into their bedroom. "I was going to ask you that."

His eyes darkened as he nodded. "I'm definitely ready."

"Me too."

She continued to lead him through the bedroom and in to the adjoining bathroom. She shut the door, turned on the exhaust fan, and then cranked on the shower water. Turning back to him she asked softly, "Do you think we can talk in here?"

He stared at her for several moments, clearly thinking. Then, he held up his index finger as a signal that she should wait. He darted out of the bathroom and returned a moment later with the clock from beside his bed, which was actually a combination alarm and radio. He placed it on the bathroom counter, plugged it in, and turned it to one of the local rock music stations. Then turning back to her he said, "We should be okay to talk quietly, I think."

"Okay." She agreed then, she pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it onto the ground. She then removed her pants, panties, and finally her bra before standing in front of him naked for the first time since his return and feeling perhaps the slightest bit self-conscious, for her body was a little different than he remembered. Though she was back to her pre-pregnancy weight, what remained was no longer evenly distributed. Her breasts had deflated after she stopped breastfeeding and her belly was definitely a little rounder. Come to think of it: so was her ass. If Castle picked up on any of these things, he didn't mind them; he gazed at her with as much awe then as he had the first time they'd made love.

"God, you're gorgeous."

"Even with stretch marks?"

"What stretch marks," he replied before stepping forward and crushing his mouth against hers. She banded her arms around his waist and sunk into him. At the feeling of his mouth, hot and wet against hers, she could not help but let out a small groan. God, yes; she was ready for this. She hadn't had sex in sixteen months and while for a good potion of that time she was too pregnant or too exhausted to think about it, she was more than ready then; more than ready to feel him inside her.

As they continued to kiss, Kate began to undo the buttons on his shirt and then quickly pushed the item off his shoulders. She broke their kiss so she could look down and unfasten his pants. When they fell to the floor, she tugged down his boxers and then dropped to her knees in front of him. She moved her hands to his hips, using her thumbs against the lines carved into his flesh. She examined each of them before moving her lips over them, hoping to kiss away their horrible memories. Once she'd touched each of them with her mouth she stood, gave him a small smile, and led the way into the shower.

Castle pushed her up against the tile wall and sunk against her, bringing his lips to the underside of her jaw as he sighed out, "I love you so much."

"I love you."

"I missed you so much…thought about you all the time…"

"Me too…"

As his fingers traced a path across her breasts and down her sides, Kate mirrored his actions. She skimmed her hands down his spine until she reached his ass. She grabbed it, dragging him towards her in the way she traditionally did to tell him that she was ready, but instead of gleefully grabbing her leg and hoisting her up against the shower wall as he had done in the past, he merely collapsed forward and buried his face into her neck. She held him close and shifted her legs to better support his weight. Only then did she realize he was no longer pressing against her leg.

"Castle?" she asked gently, lifting her right hand to stroke down the back of his head.

He lifted his head and sniffled slightly. "Sorry."

She shook her head, brushing off his apology. "It's okay. If you're not ready we-"

"No, no. I want to—I want to I just…being here made me remember…"

Her heart clenched beneath her ribs and she cradled his face gently. "What did you remember?"

"Being on the ground as they hosed me off. I was…I was already in so much pain and the water was freezing cold and I just…I didn't… I didn't know how much more I could take."

Kate felt tears begin to collect in her own eyes as she heard the desperation in his tone. She had always known him as a fighter, someone who would never give up, but hearing what horrors he went through she had no idea how he'd come through it and managed to get back to being his old self as well as he had—even if part of the memories missing.

Castle sniffled and wiped his eyes with his fingertips before rasping out, "You're the only reason I'm here Kate; I need you to know that."

She delicately stroked her hand across the damp hair above his temple and sighed, "I don't…what do you mean by that?"

He shook his head as a tear slid down the length of his nose and dripped off. "There were times when…I never thought of myself as a week person. I thought I was tough—maybe tougher than I actually am—but I…I never thought I'd face something like that: unrelenting pain and misery. I wanted to come home to you, to marry you, but there were times when…when it just hurt s-so bad." His voice squeaked on the word and he brought his hands up to cover his face. "I was in so much pain that there were times when I thought just letting to might be easier and I could just slip away and the pain would stop but…but I knew I couldn't do that, because I'd promised you forever. I promised you our happy ending and—and I had to get back here so we could have it."

"Oh, Castle." Tears fell down her face as she leaned her forehead against his and held him close. "I'm so sorry—I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all of that. I don't know how you did it."

"It was the only way I could get home to you." He added with a fractured smile. Then, he dipped his face under the shower spray for a moment before confessing, "Sorry. Guess I'm still a bit of a mess."

"No, no—you're a survivor and please never apologize when you're being this sweet."

He gave her a long kiss and sighed, "I love you."

"I love you," she replied. "More than you could ever know."

They he'd each other tightly for several minutes before she felt his hands slide down to squeeze her ass and pull her body closer to his. Lifting her head, she gazed up at him and asked softly, "Are you ready now?"

He nodded and bent his knees so he could reach down and hoist her up against the wall. "Yeah, I'm ready now."

* * *

"You asleep?"

Kate hummed as she felt her fiancé stroke his hand across the arm she had draped over his chest. She hadn't been sleeping, just resting contentedly in his arms. She lifted her head and propped her chin up against the edge of his shoulder. Giving him a playful smirk she said, "Why? You ready for round two?"

He smirked back. "Maybe in a minute. Actually, I was wondering if you'd marry me."

Her brow wrinkled and she pushed herself up so that she lay on her hip propped up with her elbow against the mattress. "I've already said yes."

He reached out his hand, grabbed on to her arm, and clarified with, "I mean now—tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow. Call in sick to your shift at work, we'll grab Lily, Alexis, and our parents and go to the courthouse." He drew her hand up close so he could press two kisses onto the back of it and sighed out, "Marry me, Kate; I just want you to be my wife."

"Oh Castle." She sighed out and stroked her hand down his face. "I want to be your wife too, but not tomorrow."

His expression sobered slightly and he asked, "Why? Would you rather have a big wedding like we'd planned?"

"No, it's not that. It's just…" She paused to give herself a moment to collect her thoughts on this spur-of-the-moment subject. "I love you, Castle, and of course I want to marry you—sooner than later, but…you've been back barely a month. We're still settling into our new routine. We're on our way back to finding our 'normal' and I just…I want to make sure we get there before we get married."

She wanted to marry him then just as much as she ever had, but she also wanted their wedding to be more about their love and devotion to one another than making up for lost time or trying to compensate for any uncertainties they might still have as a result of their separation. She wanted them to be in love and happy, without any thoughts of his time as a hostage lingering over them. They would get there—she had full confidence that they would get there—but they just weren't ready quite yet.

"Okay."

"Hey." She cupped his jaw and stroked her thumb over his cheek. "Please don't be too disappointed."

"I'm not…only a little disappointed."

She cracked a small smile at his confession. "I do want to marry you, Rick. Let's just…let's just talk about it in a few weeks okay?"

He nodded. "Okay; I can live with that."

"Good." She agreed. Then, she slid herself a bit closer to him and threaded her right leg in between his. "Now, um, what were you're thoughts on round two?"

He grinned and rolled his body half on top of hers. "Well, we do have some time to make up for."

"A bit, yeah."

He placed a rough kiss on her lips and then wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Then I guess there's no time like the present!"

* * *

 **A/N:** thanks so much for reading. epilogue will be up in a few days!


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 (Epilogue)**

More than a little weary, Kate stepped into the Hamptons house from the garage, walked the ten steps to the kitchen island, and leaned her forearms heavy against it with a huff of breath. She took a moment to recover then placed her purse and two shopping bags on the counter beside her. Since leaving the house at nine thirty that morning, it had felt like she visited over half the businesses on that section of Long Island, but finally everything was settled—even if in the back of her mind she could hear her future husband's voice reminding her they should have hired another wedding planner.

Who needed a wedding planner for as small and intimate as an affair as they were having? That would be absurd. At least, that's what she told herself eight weeks earlier when they finally chose a date and location for their wedding. That was before florists and caterers and all the other little details that individually did not seem that much, but when combined together added up to be a lot for a bride—and mother who worked full-time—to handle.

Now—finally!—everything was set for their wedding the following day. Her father plus Kevin and Jenny were all still running a few errands, but other than that even thing was already at the estate or would be delivered that afternoon. It was her turn to relax and she knew exactly who she wanted to spend that relaxation time with.

After abandoning her shoes and jacket in the kitchen, Kate began to search the expansive home for her family. The office and playroom were empty, so was the main living room. When she began to search the upstairs, she found Alexis in her room, who directed her to the outside deck, which evidently was the father-and-daughter chosen napping spot of the afternoon.

Kate returned to the first floor and grabbed her jacket and shoes once again. They were lucky to have an unseasonably warm weekend for their wedding, but that did not exactly mean it was _warm_ outside. She tip-toed out into the deck to see Castle stretched out on a lounge that was just at the edge of the shade. Lily was asleep, laying full-length on his chest; a cotton blanket covered his legs and most of her body. She approached from the side and cleared her throat to announce her presence. Instantly, Castle smiled over at her.

"Hey," she said. "Having a nice nap?"

Castle hummed and opened one eye to look at her. "Hmm someone is." He smoothed his hands against the baby's back and then shut his eyes again. "What time is it?"

"Little after two."

"Okay. She's been out for about an hour."

"You should have put her in the pack-and-play."

"Nah, we're good. How were your errands? You get everything done?"

"Yeah." She sat down on the end of the lounge just beside his knees and then reached up to stroke her fingers over the back of one of his hands. He flipped his hand over so that they could give each other a little squeeze. As she liked to in those quiet moments, Kate shut her eyes and sent out a silent thank you to the universe for how incredible her life had become.

In the little more than three months since Castle had returned to her—to them—Kate felt as though she was truly living the life she was meant to live. She woke up every day beside a man that loved her dearly, she would go to work and come home to spend time with her daughter, who was thriving more than ever with her loving father as her caretaker, and days off were spent just the three of them. Sure, sometimes they would spend time with her mother, his older daughter, or her father, but that only made their time all the better. She loved her entire family and could not believe she had been lucky enough to be blessed with them, but she certainly could not have been more grateful for it.

Castle, too, seemed very appreciative of her and their life together. He frequently told her how happy he was, and continually showered her and Lily with love. She knew that finally getting married would only change them for the better, and she definitely could not wait.

"Yep, once Ryan, Jenny, and my father get back everything will be all set for tomorrow."

"Mmm good."

Kate gave his hand one last squeeze before moving to stand up from the chair. "I'm gonna grab something to eat and then get some of this stuff organized," she said in reference to the garage area that had become the dumping-ground for all wedding related items when they were dropped off.

"Sure. I'll help as soon as Lil wakes up. Oh Kate?" he stopped her before she could take more than a few steps away.

She turned back asking, "Yeah?"

He grinned. "I cannot wait to marry you tomorrow."

She grinned back at him. "Neither can I."

* * *

 **A/N** : Thank you all so, so, so, so much for your responses to this story, they are truly appreciated. As i said in the beginning, this is the revamp of an idea i had scrapped due to various issues, so i'm very pleased that not only did i feel it turn out well, but you guys liked it as well.

As for what's next, as I've mentioned in the past i have really been struggling with writing the past year, but this being said: i have 3 mini fics ready that I will be posting over the next few months. One definitely sooner than later because I'm just 1 mini fic away from hitting 2 million published words on and i'd like to hit that sooner than later ;)

thanks again for reading!


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